thoughts

A big part of caring about someone is knowing when to step in/be active, and when to step away and give them space.

It’s really hard not to take things personally, but being able to do that is a tremendous help to that person as they go through something and just need time to think or breathe.

It also helps when you try to stop and think about what you’d want them to do for you in the same situation.

And you can’t always expect someone to flat out ask you to be there for them. I sure as heck don’t haha

I 100% always want to go through things on my own because I’m independent, but when someone is there for me unexpectedly without being pushy…it’s delightful and gives me the warm & fuzzies.

I also need to keep in mind that it’s all relative. Just because I can handle fifteen stressful things in my life at once doesn’t mean everyone can. Three things can be a lot for someone and I shouldn’t look at them and say “wow, that’s nothing, man up.”

For once in my life, I have nothing but “good stress” – busy at work and making progress, busting my ass at CrossFit, and studying for my exam. But everyone around me has stuff going on. It’s making me sad and I feel helpless – hence this emo post.

Moral of the story: It’s not all about you. Take a deep breath and make sure people know that you’re there for them if or when they are ready. (I’m such a grown-up)

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Today’s my 27th birthday

As usual, it’s time for a bit of reflection. Every year I try to make it a point to have some sort of milestone or “big thing accomplished.” When I was 24, I bought my house. When I was 25, I finished grad school. Neither of these things are necessarily age-specific or age-related, but still things I should be proud of I guess.

So I just finished my 26th year and what do I have to show for it? What spectacular thing happened that I will one day look back on and be proud of? I learned to walk away. This year was pretty shitty. I hated my old job, was getting screwed over, and had no business being there – I deserved so much more for all of the hard work I put in, and instead was held back. Then there was my “love life.” A relationship I put more into than I care to admit…we planned on getting ma for God’s sake. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. Bottom line, things somehow got shitty.

I walked away from both this year. It really, really wasn’t hard to walk away from the crappy job. But I can honestly say that walking away from him is still the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not everyone has the balls to walk away from a crapy situation – it takes real strength and it takes practice. Look around you – how many people do you see stuck in relationships that are beyond over? Or they deserve better? Or people stuck in jobs? Or wasted talent? Or just settling in general? A lot, I know. I’ll admit, I stayed in some relationships longer than I should’ve. But I was younger and not as “wise.” So I’m proud to say that at the age of 27, I finally got it right.

I’m not saying you should just throw your hands up when anything little arises, and use the excuse of “this is enough, I refuse to settle.” But I’ve learned that it’s important to 1. Be able to recognize when your efforts aren’t being returned and you’re getting screwed over, and 2. Actively doing something about it. Obviously the second part is the hardest, but I know plenty of people that aren’t even capable of the first – they make excuses instead.

Well now what? Now that I’ve learned to walk away, the next question is…Where am I walking to? lol I’ve got this clean slate to start over with and I need to decide what to do with it. I’ll admit, I just had a cliche tearfest because I am NOWHERE near where I had planned on being, or deserve to be for that matter. Ever since I was 16, I decided that by 27 I’d already be married and about to have a baby. My mom had me when she was 29 and my parents had been married for 3 years prior. YES, YES, I know – it’s not realistic to have such a deadline on such things, that’s not the way life works, you can’t measure your life by your mom’s, times are different now, it’s pathetic to cry over your birthday being a reminder of what you haven’t done. I know all of this. But it’s not so much about the timing – it’s more about the fact that I’ve worked so hard to achieve the things I want, that there’s no good reason they haven’t happened yet. Yes, I know the world works at its own pace and you have to let some things happen and can’t plan every second of your life. But shit not paying off…sucks. A lot.

And as I’ve said plenty of times before – the fact that I’m single and probably will never get married does not bother me…at all, I swear. Yeah, it’s what I’ve always wanted, but my years of wisdom have shown me that it’s not for everyone, you haven’t failed if you don’t do it, and actually…you’re probably better off if you don’t because most marriages don’t work and it’s better to be alone than dealing with a crazy situation. But here’s the thing that’s been bothering me lately: I think I’m dodging something that I’m actually cut out for. This keeps coming up in heart-to hearts with a close friend. We constantly battle because I tell him I’m a jaded bitch who has given up on relationships not because I’m a quitter, but because all of my experiences and everyone around me has shown that I’m better off alone, and more people would realize the same thing if they used their heads but most don’t because they’re scared to be alone. And he always replies (because he knows me better than anyone else): I can talk crap all I want to, but he knows I’m a nurturing person who enjoys being in relationships and is awesome at them; and then he spends 20 minutes trying to convince me that I just need to try again, and take a leap of faith – after all, I can’t expect perfect or assume the relationship will fail; and my “favorite” part – I just need to find someone as willing to work at the relationship as I am. HA. And he tells me that I have nothing left to lose since I’ve already hit rock bottom, I can’t get hurt any more, it can only get better. hahahahaha Hilarious.

The point is that out of all of that garbage and feeble attempts at proving me wrong (not gonna happen, EVER), he is sadly correct about one thing – I’m awesome at relationships, and “all of this” is being wasted. “If you’re so good at them, then why have all of your past ones failed?” Yeah, well…just because I treat someone well doesn’t mean that they are smart enough to appreciate it, it’s enough for them, or that the timing is right (people can just be at different phases of their lives). It comes down to what’s between two people – there isn’t one man on this planet that’s so nice that every woman placed with him would make a perfect couple. But I do know this – I feel like I’m cut out for it – the whole white picket fence and 2.5 kids thing. But not in a Stepford Wives/barefoot and pregnant way, I still rock a career. I mean, I already do all of the things you’re “supposed” to do; the things girls prep for in setting to go out husband-hunting. Going to the gym, making sure their hair and nails are done, cooking, cleaning, nurturing/being able to do the baby thing, managing household finances, entertaining, picking out gifts, planning trips, etc. I do all of these things for myself! I’ve got them down lol Minus the baby thing, but I think my dogs have given me a leg up.

That’s just been popping up in my head over the past two months or so – also why I’ve been blogging m.i.a., because I’ve been busy throwing myself into every hobby possible: collecting millions of recipes, trying out said recipes, doing crafts, finally decorating my house after 2 years, and mastering household cleaning tricks that you think only moms know. (it’s important to note that most of this is of course fueled by Pinterest, with a lot of HGTV thrown in; I’m proud that I actually turned simply pinning things into really doing them). I’m slightly ashamed of all of this because these are 45-year-old mom things. For instance: my gift from my mom was super-foodie fancy cookware (instead of like a cool purse or VS gift card, who am I?), and I took a few craft classes with her (she’s pumped that I’m into it and got me a sewing machine; I mean, I turned my guest bedroom into a craft room). UGH. Between the Crockpot and the sewing machine, please someone just get me some mom jeans and the soccer van, I mean really.

I’m sort of kidding, but I just keep thinking that I’ve got all of this stuff down and it’s a shame no one benefits from it. Ok, yeah I enjoy my house and have to eat to live, but cooking good food…you kinda want to share it with someone; like give someone something to look forward to; some fulfillment comes from knowing someone has been looking forward to you making their favorite for dinner, or you can’t wait to try out a new recipe because you found it and immediately knew that they’d love it, and then it’s awesome when you see that they love it. Or getting to plan a dinner party – being the cute couple to host it, even though you do most of the work, but it’s fun to plan drink recipes, themes, and desserts, and spreading everything out in a nice presentation on pretty platters, and you send him to the store to get wine, and he even offers to help set up or clean up, and you all sit around playing a board game…And the shared experience of buying baby stuff and seeing how excited he is to try to be a good dad…You see?!?! I’m pathetic. I guess it’s normal to want all of that. It just sucks that all of that is “in me” and I don’t have anyone looking in the same direction. Yes, it’s fun to do it on my own, but some things are better shared. So for me to a) likely never have that, b) have worked towards it and planned it already with someone, and c) try to sit here and pretend that I no longer want it…sucks.

Ok, this has been the longest, saddest post ever hahaha All in all, I know everything happens for a reason…but I can’t help but ponder: Should I just be ballsy and set out for my 27th year goal to “get back out there”? I mean, it only seems right – now that I’ve walked away from bad situations, and since this is something I really want, then I should shift my focus to getting in the mindset of being open again? Or go all out and try online dating? Not in a “this is it, this has to work” desperate way, but just as a first step to at least expose myself to potentially getting that dream? Eww, gross…nevermind. I feel like even considering this goes against my independent personality, everything I have been taught and stand for lol But I guess it’s ok to be independent and still wanting to have someone…I just feel like wanting this is “needy”…and it’s not something I need to feel complete at all…just something that I wouldn’t hate. Bah…the adventures continue…

Tuesday

OK. I had eight (8) meetings today. After having three Coronas out on the balcony, I still haven’t calmed down. And the rest of the week at work will be 14-hour days. I can’t.

SO. In an effort to keep my head on straight and not focus on how much I want a new job/other life improvements, I’m making a list of the good things on my mind:

  • I started reading Harry Potter…and am so ashamed. Yes, 5 years after the bandwagon, but whatever. I’ve been on this reading kick lately but I gave up on Fifty Shades of Grey and Hunger Games. So, so much hype for those as well as the Potter series, but kinda eh to me. Don’t get me wrong, 50 is wink wink good, but the story didn’t suck me in. Same for Hunger Games. So after making fun of everyone and not feeding into the hype, I gave in. I never understood how so many adults were obsessing over children’s books and how popular the books/movies became. But I kinda get it now. I’m not into Fantasy books, but it’s a nice escape from everyday life to read about a kid becoming a wizard. Like how can you not love magic? Ok, really nerdy and it’s really silly to me, but it’s just so innocent and fun. I find myself Googling things about it. Ugh, I hate myself for this but am glad that a series finally got me for my summer reading list. And I don’t have to worry about finishing one and being sad there isn’t another one. So shh, I’m a Pothead, don’t tell anyone.
  • Fall is coming and I am PUMPED. Boots and scarves and leaves and apple picking! I can’t wait. Glorious boots! Had to reiterate. I’m slightly obsessed with boots and scarves. Shoes, not so much – I try not to wear heels due to the hassle; but boots?! The flat riding ones are comfy,warm, and look amazing with pants tucked in or with a skirt. Ok, I’m done.
  • I want to find a cute local coffeeshop (not Sbux or DD). To just sit, read, sip, and peoplewatch.
  • What did I ever do before Netflix?! $7.99 is SO SO worth me watching Law and Order SVU times infinity. I watch about 3 episodes a night. All commercial free. All good.
  • But seriously, who told cops that talking into your sleeve is discreet? With an earpiece no less. Maybe it looks like you’re wiping your nose or coughing? I don’t get it. That’s why the perp always runs! (you like my cop lingo)
  • I should be getting my Nikon camera soon and I can’t wait to take pictures of everything everywhere.
  • Talked to my grandma on the phone today – cracks me up every time. Favorite person ever. Beautiful spirit.
  • I’m thinking of doing a drastic diet change…try vegan for a week? Just to see if I can? All I ever hear about is Weight Watchers and it’s not just the cheesy commercials anymore. Have you seen Pinterest? And I read on Webmd that it’s the top-rated diet in terms of overall health and that Paleo is bad & you have to be careful with vegan/veg too. Hmm. Not looking for a “diet,” just slight lifestyle change because my inner nutritionist passion is coming out and I’m curious.

Ok, I feel better…as I turn to my now open work laptop. Sad face. Ugh. Have to man up and work for a few hours to prep for tomorrow, take a NAP, and get to work 2 hours early. At least it’s Wednesday tomorrow? Yeah.

We’ve got a problem.

Ok, so I spent a wonderful day on my balcony reading this:

Not sorry. Sometimes, you just need to get lost in a silly novel – a good beach read kind of book. It sounds cheesy, but it’s been a long time since I just let myself sit and read for pleasure. I’d been studying for months, and I had started Fifty Shades/Hunger Games but can’t really get into them (weird, I know).

Anyways, it was nice getting back to my old nerdy habit of reading a book start to finish in a day. But it has left me feeling all……mushy.

Gah, I know, I know. These are fictional characters. But the story line, and the heroine & her relationship with the hot player turned good guy…hit REAL close to home. Too close. It was like I was reading about myself. As much as I was cheering for them (because you always want love to win/a happy ending), a big part of me was screaming “no, screw him! That’s right, girl – he hurt you so he deserves all of this. Let him feel how you felt. Deuces.” But then the author was able to tap into my “aww” zone – that’s right, she described all of the affection so well that it dragged out wayy too many memories. And of course, I immediately thought of him. Now I’m all “we used to cuddle like that, all I want to do is cuddle right now, and to hold someone’s hand, and to be kissed on my forehead; he used to kiss me on the back of my neck; it’s so nice to feel protected from the world in his arms!” GAG.

I guess there’s a difference between these things being described so well, and scoffing at seeing some cute couple in public with their PDA, as well as the memories just randomly crossing my mind now and then. The truth is that I haven’t really been letting myself recall all of the good moments, because they cloud your logic and efforts of being strong and getting over someone. I think too many people look back at all of the good – because it’s so easy to do so. We can quickly and easily remember a relationship as all of the gooey moments because we usually make it a point to forget all of the bad – who wants to remember that?

So yes – I think about him daily. Or sometimes 1 of 2 other guys when I get a text or see something that reminds me of one of them. Regardless of who it is, as soon as some glowy picture of us holding hands, laughing and not having a care in the world, and them making me feel like a princess pops into my head, I immediately force myself to snap out of it. All it takes is an “oh, waaait, that’s right – remember when you screwed me over? Yeah, that.” Moment over.

The point of all my rambling is this: today, as well as some SERIOUS life chats had over vodka the past couple weekends with people I’ve known for 8-13 years, have made me remember that I am just a relationship type of person – I can’t fight it. I always have been. I’ve just spent the past year trying to fight it. I got called out the other night: someone casually mentioned “When you get married you’ll…” and before he could finish his sentence, I cut him off and snapped “I’m NOT getting married!! Why does no one believe me when I say that?!” It makes me so angry that people just aren’t accepting the fact that I’ve chosen not to. It’s like they’re not respecting my feelings and that they somehow know me better than I know myself. Without asking him for an explanation, he apologetically said “whoa, sorry, it’s just that…well…you’re definitely the marrying type – it’s something you’ve always wanted and being a wife is so natural and in line with your personality.” I barked back that that girl is gone because some guys screwed her over and she has yet to meet a happily married couple or really hear someone endorse marriage.

But is that girl really gone?? I realized today that she’s really not, she’s just wounded lol Wounded and I’m trying to act as her bodyguard and protect her from the world all together because I know better. Kind of like lots of paparazzi trying to get at a celeb. Enough of the bad analogies, but you get what I mean. I’ve just been expending a LOT of energy…not putting up a front…no, let’s not call it putting up a wall as a defense mechanism…and let’s not call it lying to myself. All of those are a bit harsh and sound like something I’d hear in therapy, as accurate as they may be. I can’t describe it. I guess it’s like this: I’ve always been this hopeless romantic, this girl that always kept a big smile on her face and remained optimistic with every new relationship, leaving behind baggage because every guy is different…but now that the nice girl has reached her breaking point and faced the ultimate hurt by the only guy she ever considered marrying…I’ve been trying to take a new approach. That’s it, not so much stifling the optimistic girl, but seeing that the approach I’ve been taking hasn’t gotten me anywhere, so it’s time to try something different. Like I’ve been shown enough of the world to see when it’s time to change my outlook.

The fact of the matter is that it’s draining. It has been killing me. It’s just way too much energy and effort to force myself not to want love. To use my head instead of my heart. It’s almost like my brain said “Umm, you’ve been screwing up, you are driving us into the ground, clearly time for me to take over.” But it’s not entirely natural.

Basically, three things have been happening a lot lately: 1) vodka-infused life chats with those close to me & being called out on my emotions; 2) HIM (yes, the one you never get over/constantly referenced in this blog) e-mailing & texting me a few times over the past few weeks saying he misses me and that we need to meet up to have this conversation in person; 3) me reading this stupid book today and it knocking me over the head with the fact that I naturally like all of the mushy stuff REGARDLESS of being hurt and I really need to stop suppressing it.

So not some knee-jerk reaction here – my feelings have been a function of a few factors. First off…him wanting to meet in person:

Can we all just gasp collectively? I know, right?! It only takes reading one of my old posts to realize just how much he hurt me/the level of stuff that has gone down between us. I can barely stomach thinking about him, let alone seeing him in person. I never even asked myself the “What would you do if you ran into him again?” question because I just blindly told myself that it never would happen – that I refused to see him ever again. I don’t even think I could handle it. And I told him that and turned down the invitations over the past few weeks. I said it’s best to electronically communicate because there is no way in hell I could see him in person and compose myself. I don’t know if I’d be overcome with emotion and cry, or anger and want to hit him. I’m not a violent person, but he’s got an angry girl punch coming.

This – this is why I cut people off. There doesn’t need to be any dialogue or communication once things are over – why do people insist on talking things over? We’ve both said PLENTY via e-mail. Most guys I know don’t let things fade away because it’s like they need reassurance or something. Like they need to know I don’t entirely hate them so they can sleep at night and not totally feel like the scum they are, or worse yet – they’re concerned what I’ll tell mutual friends. If you know me at all, I’m not going to talk shit about you or try to sway a friend to “be on my side.” We’re adults. The facts speak for themselves. It’s always been like that – all of your friends tell me that you’re being an idiot without me convincing them. And they have no reason to butter me up – if anything, I’d think they’d take your “side” out of loyalty/by default even if they think I’m right. Like I was saying, you cut people off, then there’s no room for maybe’s or what if’s…

You run the risk of falling in love all over again, or just seeing them in person again stirs up all of those feelings and you immediately lose all sense and forgive them. Or you somewhat stand your ground, and they go and apologize, tell you they need you, they’ll never do it again, they miss you – you know, all the right things to say. Even if you weren’t even looking for them to say anything at all, they have and now you’re screwed. And to be honest, the way I feel about this guy, I’m kinda nervous for that to happen. For one, he is…hot. Like really hot. As in, the sight of him makes me MELT and it should be illegal to be that good-looking, and I don’t know why he liked me. lol I’m a strong girl, but not having that all in my face clouding my thoughts is crucial. No, I’m not a girl that goes dumb around him, and his hotness lets him get away with murder, it’s just that…I’m forced to remember having those arms hold me…and how they look so good in every shirt he owns…and…

SEE. I just slipped into a romance novel. Geez. I just need to tap into my anger. Recall all of the bad things. But that’s my problem: I try not to hold onto my anger and I’m pretty forgiving, especially when I know I’ve hurt him too. So yeah, even though I have A LOT more reasons to be angry with him, and most people make me out to be the victim here, I’m honest with myself and him in the fact that I’m not completely innocent. That’s the tough part – even though I passed the breaking point, what I thought was the point of no return…I guess you can’t say never, right? It just kills me, KILLLLS me to think of letting someone back in when they’ve shown that they don’t deserve you in their life. So while I sit here securely feeling like getting closure/I’m making the right decision because things aren’t necessarily healthy, at the same time I have to ask myself if I’m being too harsh. Too final or black & white about things. I hate second-guessing myself, and this isn’t coming from a recent mushy place. A lot of things in life always leave you with that “Did I make the right decision?” thing and you don’t want to look back regretting anything. That’s tough. Especially when someone is showing you that they clearly care. And that’s throwing me off! I’ve spent the past 4 months basically ignoring him, not really expecting him to care. He’s always been that kind of person – “oh, you want to ignore me? Screw you then, whatever, your loss, peace.” Like zero shits given. Dismissive. Oddly unemotional. So I thought that’d make this easy with that attitude. But no – he won’t let this go. You want to meet up to talk? You want to hang out like old times and you miss me? Umm, do I know you?! lol It all doesn’t make sense. It’s making me feel pretty uneasy. Not stressing me out, and you’d think I’d be happy, but I’m just. I dunno. We’ll see.

Waiting room observations

• I need a job that allows me to wear scrubs all day every day. Super jealous right now. Just being comfy all day, must be nice. Although I’m wearing a new dress today…and it’s cute. Just sayin.
• one of the (fine) surgeons came out with galoshes on. Galoshes?! Really?? Does shit really get that real in the operating room? I need to know. Because I immediately envision body parts flying all on the floor and he’s gotta wade through them. Blech, gross. Like, why can’t the man wear those little bootie shoe cover things? The disposable ones TV doctors wear…
• it’s cold as hell in here (maybe Hell is inaccurate…)
• I’m hungryyy
• they need to bring my dad out asap before I flip a chair. He better be ok and in no pain. I mean it. Of course he had to say when he went in: “If I don’t come out of this, I love you.” OH OK. Not trying to hear that, homie. Luckily, one of the perks of new job is having a fancy laptop and home access. Bye, meetings. Glad I get to take care of pops lol
• note to self – never get sick or injured. Ever. This surgery/hospital shit is for the birds. Between this and being in the ER with my mom last month, I’ve decided that I don’t want it. No parts. There, it’s in stone. 100% healthy for the rest of my life, thanks.
• this man is chewing his chips WAY too loudly. Shut that shit up. But some foods you can’t eat “cute.”
• this lady just kissed her kids goodbye/ilu before she went into surgery. I can’t.
• How much do you love my play-by-play? I guess I could tweet. Or not. Off to Netflix and WAIT some more, bye.

Hi, hello

Yes, I’ve been neglecting my blog for a bit – I’ve been a bad blogger. But I haven’t been tweeting or Facebooking (no, really, I deleted that shit) either for a while.

I’ve pretty much been a shell of myself for the past three weeks…especially over the last week.

And I don’t mean that in a depressing “my life totally sucks” way either. Just…weird. Like in a “please, no one talk to me, leave me alone so I can overanalyze and re-evaluate my life” kind of way. I really, really have just unplugged. Hence the lack of social networking. Especially Facebook because well, my news feed only sent me into a rage for one of two reasons: a) I’m completely over everyone gushing about their new baby/engagement/marriage, or b) seeing something from a certain someone…of the male species…not going to name names.

So I cut it out, and I’m SO glad I did. Not feeling the impulse to check it five times a day only to stumble upon something to ruin my day/fuck with my head and heart…is great. And very healthy I must say. Yeah, yeah – I’m happy for other people, no I’m not jealous, and no I usually don’t let a status update/picture bother me…but shit has gotten real the past few weeks. As in, I’ve lost sleep over things. And that’s no good.

I’ve just been bummed out…I dunno. Not to mention that 99% of my time lately has been devoted to work and studying. I’ve been on my grind so much that I only worked out twice over the past 10 days. GASP, I know. So you know I gotta be doing big things. Especially because last week was Month End at work. Anyone working in Accounting/Finance…you know what that means. Let’s just say I was at work til 9 or 10 pm for a few nights and they ordered us dinner. Yeah. But I loves new job – it’s a challenge and the people are amazing. Coolest boss ever.

But back to the “shell of myself” thing. I can’t quite put my finger on it…Bummed but not sad. New job should be making me happy. But there’s something else. I think 20% of it is still wanting another job/knowing I should, and the other 80% is some unresolved love life stuff. Should I be happy with new job? Yeah. Should I completely forget about that person? YES…but then no. Depends on what day you ask me lol

The thing is that I’m enjoying myself in new job, but I’m uncomfortable because I know I deserve more. So even though I’m proud of myself for getting out of my old job, I know I deserve more. Accepting this job as “great” would definitely be settling. And by deserving more, I don’t mean some senior job paying big bucks – it takes time to get there. I was overqualified for my old job, but this job makes me work…which is good, but I still know where I should be, and this isn’t it. So while something is eating away at me saying “you need better,” I’m trying to use my brain/logic and say “it’s ok and it’s temporary – it’s an experience at least. So shut up and keep it moving.”

As for the “love life” part…FML. F-M-L. It’s exhausting. It’s all I ever think about. I probably think about it too much. (<3 You probably know that…and you probably are too if I know you at all.) The sad part is that I’ve been able to justify everything…logically. Because I can put myself in the same position/take into consideration what I know about him. As much as I should pat myself on the back for being understanding, I can’t help but have this nagging guilt that I’m TOO understanding. So then I launch into the times when he was understanding…and justify it. The good thing is that I literally haven’t discussed this with anyone…not even my mom. Mainly because I don’t want to hear the negative opinions…but you can’t blame people for that if they only have limited knowledge of the story. That’s why I’ve realized it’s good to mull this over with me myself and I – because the three of us know the deal lol (I don’t talk to myself, I swear)

In the past, when I did discuss this with anyone, all I got was “you deserve better, you’re being stupid, blah blah blah.” And you get tired of hearing that. It brings you down and it hurts. Especially someone like me – I pride myself on knowing stuff, well, more like being a resource and being prepared. People always assume I know stuff haha So to do something stupid…I feel like I let people down…especially myself. So I think that’s part of why I haven’t talked to anyone about him for a while. I know you’re thinking “the truth hurts and you don’t want to hear it.” I dunno. I’m a pretty realistic person. Yeah, I dream and get emotional (rarely), but I tend to make decisions based on logic and reason. So that’s where you run into a problem – do you not want to hear others’ opinions out of fear of possibly hearing what you know will be the truth, or fear of hearing people give you their version of the truth based on emotion and half the story but they try to pass it off as logic to you? I think I’ve been beating myself up over this. Because even though I made the (wise) decision not to discuss him with peers, I can still hear all of the nagging in my head…and it makes me feel guilty still! How ironic…

So what it really comes down to is whether or not I, myself, feel like I’m doing the right thing. And I think I can answer that question – just the simple fact that I still smile like an idiot when I think of him…in a past and future sense…says A LOT. Because if you know me IRL, there are few men…ok maybe 1…that I’ve dated and still think highly of. The rest…well…I’m a little too good at cutting people off. So the fact that he still makes my heart smile, when I could easily (very very easily) go down a list of everything he’s done wrong and reasons why I should’ve walked away a long time ago…says a lot. I know I say that often, but it’s insane to me. Any person doing that, but especially me with my track record. You cross me, we’re done, no second chances. With him…I’m able to admit my own wrongs and find -gulp-…forgiveness. This, this is why I’ve felt “uneasy and empty” the past few weeks – because I hate that someone is capable of making me feel like this. Completely contrary to me and all of my beliefs. Everything I’ve ever said or done. So I’ve either lost my shit…or just love him. So you can see why I’m not in a rush to discuss this with anyone – I don’t want the dirty looks anymore…I’m trying to be a big girl and go with my gut.

In conclusion, it’s clear that the core of my personality is not being willing to settle, be it a job or a man. A lot of people are ok with settling, knowing that they are, or they instead try to convince themselves that it’s not settling but just accepting what life brings them/it takes too much energy to change it and are lazy. Or that fate is at work so just let it have its way (ahem lazy). While I believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes you gotta man up. So I know there’s a reason I’m in this job. And I know there’s a reason I haven’t cut this man. But am I settling? (not that I want anyone else, duh) Could I be learning a roundabout lesson? Sure. But I know this – I’m not like many people in the sense that I’ll just let “fate” work day over day – that’s how you wake up 90 years old like WTF happened? I’m not impatient, but you have to know when enough is enough. So that’s what I’m working on now. Kinda early to pull the trigger on new job. But him? Four days out of the week, I make the firm decision to never speak to him again…then I get all girly and understanding. But I know me and that will only last but so long…so that’s what I’ll be working on (in my head) as a priority…time…not like I’m afraid of making a mistake. Although I should be fearful of cutting something off only to find out later that it was a mistake…I think I’m at the point where that’s not possible. Because I believe that if you walk away from someone…but you “shouldn’t” have…then things still work out even when it really seemed like they wouldn’t, ya know? So I don’t think it’s possible to truly walk away from the right thing permanently…I’ve learned that life has a way of tapping you on the shoulder…and hitting you over the head when you try to ignore the tap or missed it because you were too busy plotting your next move. So yeah…I’m not afraid to walk away…I can do so confidently with comfort knowing that if it was a “mistake,” shit will come around when it’s supposed to – you just won’t see it coming. But that’s good because a) sometimes you screw things up when you see them coming and try to prepare, or b) if you look at things this way, you don’t have to have your days ruined by the guilt of “geez, did I do the right thing?!” So maybe that’s my problem – I can roll with “fate” after the fact…but at a turning point like this, you can’t rely on fate or it’s timing – you gotta make some moves. I don’t want it to sound like “fate is cool until you get impatient” LOL But…I dunno…you gotta use your head and re-evaluate like “ok…it’s been a while and I’m still here…maybe fate is telling me it’s time to make moves so get off your ass instead of waiting on me.” So it can be like an action or lack of action thing. I guess that’s my point – even though everything happens for a reason, Fate isn’t the driver – you’re co-pilots lol You gotta work with fate instead of sitting back and letting it drag you through life? I’m just not comfortable with the idea that someone or something is in complete control of my life – then I’m just a doll haha I kill myself.

Sooo my emo post pretty much turned into a “What is the meaning of life?” chat. baha. That’s what you get when I don’t blog for a while. At least I feel a little better. While I’m still going to get annoyed when people text me (no, I don’t want to date you; no, we’re not dating; don’t you have a job/realize I have one?; stop being needy; Mom/Dad you’re annoying…everyone please go away), I have to keep in mind that while I’m waiting on fate/plotting my next job or love life move, I can at least be happy…or fake it with a good attitude. I think that’s why I get annoyed at the texts/try to unplug – because people force me to fake happiness when I’m sad on the inside or make me discuss people/things that I don’t want to talk about and instead just over-think them to myself quietly. Ex. Yesterday – I didn’t even leave the house. Friday/Sat nights? I forced myself to have fun but had that nagging feeling of “omg, I’m not happy, faking it is taking too much energy right now, and I feel guilty for not studying right now; at least I’m distracting myself from missing him and not with someone that makes me discuss my feelings).

 

Yes, I’m a hot mess.