Ok, so I spent a wonderful day on my balcony reading this:
Not sorry. Sometimes, you just need to get lost in a silly novel – a good beach read kind of book. It sounds cheesy, but it’s been a long time since I just let myself sit and read for pleasure. I’d been studying for months, and I had started Fifty Shades/Hunger Games but can’t really get into them (weird, I know).
Anyways, it was nice getting back to my old nerdy habit of reading a book start to finish in a day. But it has left me feeling all……mushy.
Gah, I know, I know. These are fictional characters. But the story line, and the heroine & her relationship with the hot player turned good guy…hit REAL close to home. Too close. It was like I was reading about myself. As much as I was cheering for them (because you always want love to win/a happy ending), a big part of me was screaming “no, screw him! That’s right, girl – he hurt you so he deserves all of this. Let him feel how you felt. Deuces.” But then the author was able to tap into my “aww” zone – that’s right, she described all of the affection so well that it dragged out wayy too many memories. And of course, I immediately thought of him. Now I’m all “we used to cuddle like that, all I want to do is cuddle right now, and to hold someone’s hand, and to be kissed on my forehead; he used to kiss me on the back of my neck; it’s so nice to feel protected from the world in his arms!” GAG.
I guess there’s a difference between these things being described so well, and scoffing at seeing some cute couple in public with their PDA, as well as the memories just randomly crossing my mind now and then. The truth is that I haven’t really been letting myself recall all of the good moments, because they cloud your logic and efforts of being strong and getting over someone. I think too many people look back at all of the good – because it’s so easy to do so. We can quickly and easily remember a relationship as all of the gooey moments because we usually make it a point to forget all of the bad – who wants to remember that?
So yes – I think about him daily. Or sometimes 1 of 2 other guys when I get a text or see something that reminds me of one of them. Regardless of who it is, as soon as some glowy picture of us holding hands, laughing and not having a care in the world, and them making me feel like a princess pops into my head, I immediately force myself to snap out of it. All it takes is an “oh, waaait, that’s right – remember when you screwed me over? Yeah, that.” Moment over.
The point of all my rambling is this: today, as well as some SERIOUS life chats had over vodka the past couple weekends with people I’ve known for 8-13 years, have made me remember that I am just a relationship type of person – I can’t fight it. I always have been. I’ve just spent the past year trying to fight it. I got called out the other night: someone casually mentioned “When you get married you’ll…” and before he could finish his sentence, I cut him off and snapped “I’m NOT getting married!! Why does no one believe me when I say that?!” It makes me so angry that people just aren’t accepting the fact that I’ve chosen not to. It’s like they’re not respecting my feelings and that they somehow know me better than I know myself. Without asking him for an explanation, he apologetically said “whoa, sorry, it’s just that…well…you’re definitely the marrying type – it’s something you’ve always wanted and being a wife is so natural and in line with your personality.” I barked back that that girl is gone because some guys screwed her over and she has yet to meet a happily married couple or really hear someone endorse marriage.
But is that girl really gone?? I realized today that she’s really not, she’s just wounded lol Wounded and I’m trying to act as her bodyguard and protect her from the world all together because I know better. Kind of like lots of paparazzi trying to get at a celeb. Enough of the bad analogies, but you get what I mean. I’ve just been expending a LOT of energy…not putting up a front…no, let’s not call it putting up a wall as a defense mechanism…and let’s not call it lying to myself. All of those are a bit harsh and sound like something I’d hear in therapy, as accurate as they may be. I can’t describe it. I guess it’s like this: I’ve always been this hopeless romantic, this girl that always kept a big smile on her face and remained optimistic with every new relationship, leaving behind baggage because every guy is different…but now that the nice girl has reached her breaking point and faced the ultimate hurt by the only guy she ever considered marrying…I’ve been trying to take a new approach. That’s it, not so much stifling the optimistic girl, but seeing that the approach I’ve been taking hasn’t gotten me anywhere, so it’s time to try something different. Like I’ve been shown enough of the world to see when it’s time to change my outlook.
The fact of the matter is that it’s draining. It has been killing me. It’s just way too much energy and effort to force myself not to want love. To use my head instead of my heart. It’s almost like my brain said “Umm, you’ve been screwing up, you are driving us into the ground, clearly time for me to take over.” But it’s not entirely natural.
Basically, three things have been happening a lot lately: 1) vodka-infused life chats with those close to me & being called out on my emotions; 2) HIM (yes, the one you never get over/constantly referenced in this blog) e-mailing & texting me a few times over the past few weeks saying he misses me and that we need to meet up to have this conversation in person; 3) me reading this stupid book today and it knocking me over the head with the fact that I naturally like all of the mushy stuff REGARDLESS of being hurt and I really need to stop suppressing it.
So not some knee-jerk reaction here – my feelings have been a function of a few factors. First off…him wanting to meet in person:
Can we all just gasp collectively? I know, right?! It only takes reading one of my old posts to realize just how much he hurt me/the level of stuff that has gone down between us. I can barely stomach thinking about him, let alone seeing him in person. I never even asked myself the “What would you do if you ran into him again?” question because I just blindly told myself that it never would happen – that I refused to see him ever again. I don’t even think I could handle it. And I told him that and turned down the invitations over the past few weeks. I said it’s best to electronically communicate because there is no way in hell I could see him in person and compose myself. I don’t know if I’d be overcome with emotion and cry, or anger and want to hit him. I’m not a violent person, but he’s got an angry girl punch coming.
This – this is why I cut people off. There doesn’t need to be any dialogue or communication once things are over – why do people insist on talking things over? We’ve both said PLENTY via e-mail. Most guys I know don’t let things fade away because it’s like they need reassurance or something. Like they need to know I don’t entirely hate them so they can sleep at night and not totally feel like the scum they are, or worse yet – they’re concerned what I’ll tell mutual friends. If you know me at all, I’m not going to talk shit about you or try to sway a friend to “be on my side.” We’re adults. The facts speak for themselves. It’s always been like that – all of your friends tell me that you’re being an idiot without me convincing them. And they have no reason to butter me up – if anything, I’d think they’d take your “side” out of loyalty/by default even if they think I’m right. Like I was saying, you cut people off, then there’s no room for maybe’s or what if’s…
You run the risk of falling in love all over again, or just seeing them in person again stirs up all of those feelings and you immediately lose all sense and forgive them. Or you somewhat stand your ground, and they go and apologize, tell you they need you, they’ll never do it again, they miss you – you know, all the right things to say. Even if you weren’t even looking for them to say anything at all, they have and now you’re screwed. And to be honest, the way I feel about this guy, I’m kinda nervous for that to happen. For one, he is…hot. Like really hot. As in, the sight of him makes me MELT and it should be illegal to be that good-looking, and I don’t know why he liked me. lol I’m a strong girl, but not having that all in my face clouding my thoughts is crucial. No, I’m not a girl that goes dumb around him, and his hotness lets him get away with murder, it’s just that…I’m forced to remember having those arms hold me…and how they look so good in every shirt he owns…and…
SEE. I just slipped into a romance novel. Geez. I just need to tap into my anger. Recall all of the bad things. But that’s my problem: I try not to hold onto my anger and I’m pretty forgiving, especially when I know I’ve hurt him too. So yeah, even though I have A LOT more reasons to be angry with him, and most people make me out to be the victim here, I’m honest with myself and him in the fact that I’m not completely innocent. That’s the tough part – even though I passed the breaking point, what I thought was the point of no return…I guess you can’t say never, right? It just kills me, KILLLLS me to think of letting someone back in when they’ve shown that they don’t deserve you in their life. So while I sit here securely feeling like getting closure/I’m making the right decision because things aren’t necessarily healthy, at the same time I have to ask myself if I’m being too harsh. Too final or black & white about things. I hate second-guessing myself, and this isn’t coming from a recent mushy place. A lot of things in life always leave you with that “Did I make the right decision?” thing and you don’t want to look back regretting anything. That’s tough. Especially when someone is showing you that they clearly care. And that’s throwing me off! I’ve spent the past 4 months basically ignoring him, not really expecting him to care. He’s always been that kind of person – “oh, you want to ignore me? Screw you then, whatever, your loss, peace.” Like zero shits given. Dismissive. Oddly unemotional. So I thought that’d make this easy with that attitude. But no – he won’t let this go. You want to meet up to talk? You want to hang out like old times and you miss me? Umm, do I know you?! lol It all doesn’t make sense. It’s making me feel pretty uneasy. Not stressing me out, and you’d think I’d be happy, but I’m just. I dunno. We’ll see.