This totally mirrors my situation, feelings, and events swirling around me. Well written and on point 🙂
How I Stay Single and Sane While All My Friends Are in Relationships
By Shana Lebowitz
This totally mirrors my situation, feelings, and events swirling around me. Well written and on point 🙂
How I Stay Single and Sane While All My Friends Are in Relationships
By Shana Lebowitz
Just there for my annual visit, ya know. He walked in for the exam and it went something like this:
*examining chart* Ah, you’re 27 now! So young! So, so young! All looks good, let’s go ahead…
*starts exam*…breaks silence with:
Doc: So when are you having babies?? No babies yet, why not??”
Me: *nervous laughter/laugh it off, he can’t expect an answer, merely doing his job by reminding me in a casual way that my biological clock is ticking*
Doc: No, really – why haven’t you yet?
Me: *sighs – clearly he’s not letting this go…* Heh heh, well, I’d have to be married first and uh…yeah…
(I trail off to prevent myself from complaining about the dating pool/being scarred bc he’s in my ‘business’ so this isn’t the time or place)
*doc and assistant share a look of shock as if I just said something politically-charged*
Doc: Oh…so…you’re not even in a relationship? Not even on the way to being married?
Me: *pissed off at this point; but firmly state* NO, I actually have been single for a year and a half.
Doc: Ah, I see, so you actually have to find a guy, one that’s willing to be a dad, all that…
Me: *no response, thinking: yes, asshole it’s just that simple – I’m not looking for a sperm donor; call me crazy but I’d need someone that’s worth it andd happens to want kids…*
I proceed to walk into his office for paperwork…
*awkward silence as he scribbles, I look around and act interested in the framed degrees…*
Doc: So – No relationship, no steady relationship?! You’re just sort of…
Me: *firmly bc he’s trying to make me out to be a slut with commitment issues* NO – I’ve been very single, keeping to myself and am not interested in anyone.
Doc: *cheerfully* Ah, yes well next time you can actually come see so-and-so assistant since you have no issues, and actually, so-and-so assistant is a midwife, so she can help you when you’re pregnant – yes, that’s perfect! I tell you what, you come and see midwife assistant next time, so that this time next year for your exam when you are pregnant, she can help you with all of that!
Me: *eyes filled with tears, tilting head back to not let them roll down my face…nod in agreement with a fake smile because I’m not about to argue with this man; I’m fed up and have no idea why you’re so invested and how you have the balls to assume I’ll be with child in a year – nothing about this conversation has suggested that, in fact I made it clear that I’m not going to anytime soon, not really by choice but because men are stupid and I refuse to settle*
I booked it out of his office. UGH. Let the tears flow in the car. Like I need another reminder of what I haven’t accomplished in my life but planned on doing. Just rubbing salt in the wound. Such a smack in the face. I guess he meant well, but seriously?! Again, I’m a strong girl, I make a habit of standing on my own and being comfortable with my own decisions despite others’ opinions…but yeah, I still have feelings lol And as much as I’m fine with not getting married…not having kids *killllllsss* me.
I can’t. Gn.
As usual, it’s time for a bit of reflection. Every year I try to make it a point to have some sort of milestone or “big thing accomplished.” When I was 24, I bought my house. When I was 25, I finished grad school. Neither of these things are necessarily age-specific or age-related, but still things I should be proud of I guess.
So I just finished my 26th year and what do I have to show for it? What spectacular thing happened that I will one day look back on and be proud of? I learned to walk away. This year was pretty shitty. I hated my old job, was getting screwed over, and had no business being there – I deserved so much more for all of the hard work I put in, and instead was held back. Then there was my “love life.” A relationship I put more into than I care to admit…we planned on getting ma for God’s sake. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. Bottom line, things somehow got shitty.
I walked away from both this year. It really, really wasn’t hard to walk away from the crappy job. But I can honestly say that walking away from him is still the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not everyone has the balls to walk away from a crapy situation – it takes real strength and it takes practice. Look around you – how many people do you see stuck in relationships that are beyond over? Or they deserve better? Or people stuck in jobs? Or wasted talent? Or just settling in general? A lot, I know. I’ll admit, I stayed in some relationships longer than I should’ve. But I was younger and not as “wise.” So I’m proud to say that at the age of 27, I finally got it right.
I’m not saying you should just throw your hands up when anything little arises, and use the excuse of “this is enough, I refuse to settle.” But I’ve learned that it’s important to 1. Be able to recognize when your efforts aren’t being returned and you’re getting screwed over, and 2. Actively doing something about it. Obviously the second part is the hardest, but I know plenty of people that aren’t even capable of the first – they make excuses instead.
Well now what? Now that I’ve learned to walk away, the next question is…Where am I walking to? lol I’ve got this clean slate to start over with and I need to decide what to do with it. I’ll admit, I just had a cliche tearfest because I am NOWHERE near where I had planned on being, or deserve to be for that matter. Ever since I was 16, I decided that by 27 I’d already be married and about to have a baby. My mom had me when she was 29 and my parents had been married for 3 years prior. YES, YES, I know – it’s not realistic to have such a deadline on such things, that’s not the way life works, you can’t measure your life by your mom’s, times are different now, it’s pathetic to cry over your birthday being a reminder of what you haven’t done. I know all of this. But it’s not so much about the timing – it’s more about the fact that I’ve worked so hard to achieve the things I want, that there’s no good reason they haven’t happened yet. Yes, I know the world works at its own pace and you have to let some things happen and can’t plan every second of your life. But shit not paying off…sucks. A lot.
And as I’ve said plenty of times before – the fact that I’m single and probably will never get married does not bother me…at all, I swear. Yeah, it’s what I’ve always wanted, but my years of wisdom have shown me that it’s not for everyone, you haven’t failed if you don’t do it, and actually…you’re probably better off if you don’t because most marriages don’t work and it’s better to be alone than dealing with a crazy situation. But here’s the thing that’s been bothering me lately: I think I’m dodging something that I’m actually cut out for. This keeps coming up in heart-to hearts with a close friend. We constantly battle because I tell him I’m a jaded bitch who has given up on relationships not because I’m a quitter, but because all of my experiences and everyone around me has shown that I’m better off alone, and more people would realize the same thing if they used their heads but most don’t because they’re scared to be alone. And he always replies (because he knows me better than anyone else): I can talk crap all I want to, but he knows I’m a nurturing person who enjoys being in relationships and is awesome at them; and then he spends 20 minutes trying to convince me that I just need to try again, and take a leap of faith – after all, I can’t expect perfect or assume the relationship will fail; and my “favorite” part – I just need to find someone as willing to work at the relationship as I am. HA. And he tells me that I have nothing left to lose since I’ve already hit rock bottom, I can’t get hurt any more, it can only get better. hahahahaha Hilarious.
The point is that out of all of that garbage and feeble attempts at proving me wrong (not gonna happen, EVER), he is sadly correct about one thing – I’m awesome at relationships, and “all of this” is being wasted. “If you’re so good at them, then why have all of your past ones failed?” Yeah, well…just because I treat someone well doesn’t mean that they are smart enough to appreciate it, it’s enough for them, or that the timing is right (people can just be at different phases of their lives). It comes down to what’s between two people – there isn’t one man on this planet that’s so nice that every woman placed with him would make a perfect couple. But I do know this – I feel like I’m cut out for it – the whole white picket fence and 2.5 kids thing. But not in a Stepford Wives/barefoot and pregnant way, I still rock a career. I mean, I already do all of the things you’re “supposed” to do; the things girls prep for in setting to go out husband-hunting. Going to the gym, making sure their hair and nails are done, cooking, cleaning, nurturing/being able to do the baby thing, managing household finances, entertaining, picking out gifts, planning trips, etc. I do all of these things for myself! I’ve got them down lol Minus the baby thing, but I think my dogs have given me a leg up.
That’s just been popping up in my head over the past two months or so – also why I’ve been blogging m.i.a., because I’ve been busy throwing myself into every hobby possible: collecting millions of recipes, trying out said recipes, doing crafts, finally decorating my house after 2 years, and mastering household cleaning tricks that you think only moms know. (it’s important to note that most of this is of course fueled by Pinterest, with a lot of HGTV thrown in; I’m proud that I actually turned simply pinning things into really doing them). I’m slightly ashamed of all of this because these are 45-year-old mom things. For instance: my gift from my mom was super-foodie fancy cookware (instead of like a cool purse or VS gift card, who am I?), and I took a few craft classes with her (she’s pumped that I’m into it and got me a sewing machine; I mean, I turned my guest bedroom into a craft room). UGH. Between the Crockpot and the sewing machine, please someone just get me some mom jeans and the soccer van, I mean really.
I’m sort of kidding, but I just keep thinking that I’ve got all of this stuff down and it’s a shame no one benefits from it. Ok, yeah I enjoy my house and have to eat to live, but cooking good food…you kinda want to share it with someone; like give someone something to look forward to; some fulfillment comes from knowing someone has been looking forward to you making their favorite for dinner, or you can’t wait to try out a new recipe because you found it and immediately knew that they’d love it, and then it’s awesome when you see that they love it. Or getting to plan a dinner party – being the cute couple to host it, even though you do most of the work, but it’s fun to plan drink recipes, themes, and desserts, and spreading everything out in a nice presentation on pretty platters, and you send him to the store to get wine, and he even offers to help set up or clean up, and you all sit around playing a board game…And the shared experience of buying baby stuff and seeing how excited he is to try to be a good dad…You see?!?! I’m pathetic. I guess it’s normal to want all of that. It just sucks that all of that is “in me” and I don’t have anyone looking in the same direction. Yes, it’s fun to do it on my own, but some things are better shared. So for me to a) likely never have that, b) have worked towards it and planned it already with someone, and c) try to sit here and pretend that I no longer want it…sucks.
Ok, this has been the longest, saddest post ever hahaha All in all, I know everything happens for a reason…but I can’t help but ponder: Should I just be ballsy and set out for my 27th year goal to “get back out there”? I mean, it only seems right – now that I’ve walked away from bad situations, and since this is something I really want, then I should shift my focus to getting in the mindset of being open again? Or go all out and try online dating? Not in a “this is it, this has to work” desperate way, but just as a first step to at least expose myself to potentially getting that dream? Eww, gross…nevermind. I feel like even considering this goes against my independent personality, everything I have been taught and stand for lol But I guess it’s ok to be independent and still wanting to have someone…I just feel like wanting this is “needy”…and it’s not something I need to feel complete at all…just something that I wouldn’t hate. Bah…the adventures continue…
It was everything I had hoped for and then some.
It felt so nice to be treated like a princess. (Ugh, gross, I said it.) I forgot what it’s like.
It was just really…comfortable. But kinda first-date nervous at the same time…even though I’ve known him for years. There was just no effort to the conversation. Nothing forced, no awkward pauses or feeling like you needed to fill in some space with words. Simple stuff like having the door opened for me, being helped in and out of a cab, having my hand held…and the cuddling. Oh, the cuddling. Seriously, how did anyone let me go 8 months without that?!
Ahh. I know this all seems basic, but it was just really nice. And fun. And I felt really pretty. I don’t have self-image issues, but it’s not often that I’m all “ooh, girl you look good.” But last night I felt pretty and confident. Oddly enough, as I walked up to his front door, a 7-year-old girl on the sidewalk said “I like your outfit!” and then her little 5-year-old brother chimed in and said, “Yeah, I like your heels!” And I knew it was going to be a good night. I guess between slightly feeling it myself and being reinforced by fashion-savvy children, my confidence shown through or something. Because there was a moment…
Before heading out, we had a drink out on his balcony (nice view of the city skyline at night, hello?!). And he stopped me mid-sentence and said “You look really nice tonight.” There was an odd sincerity to this and he had that look in his eyes when he said it. Of course, awkward me who can’t take a compliment for anything, and also seeing this was a bit serious, and I can’t emotionally handle anything close to that right now, it scares me to death (kinda)…I just laughed it off and “heh, thanks…” But it was still nice to hear, I admit…
I won’t go into all of the details (I don’t kiss and tell. ha.), but it was just awesome. Can’t say anything else. Just sitting here smiling. I guess the 2 real takeaways here are 1) How PROUD of myself I am for being open to this. As much as my heart hurts and I’ve been given every reason to hate every man ever, I was able to be…normal. Or as close to it as I’ll ever come haha. But I wasn’t sitting there with an attitude or anything. I let myself enjoy every moment instead of being on my phone the whole time and wishing I could go home; or more importantly, thinking about “him.” The one who shall not be named. I didn’t think about him once. Except for the taxi taking a surprise turn by his apartment and I almost DIED. Because I used to be there every weekend. Lots of good memories there…but not with a person worth those memories anymore. At the risk of sounding like a chick flick, maybe that was a sign for me – closure if you will. Like hey, you’re passing the guy that you held onto for so long, but the guy in the cab with you now is the one making a real effort after he screwed up. So turn your head back to him and hold his hand. (Yes, yes this is a cheesy movie; maybe it was the vodka). Oh yeah, and 2) Some people deserve a second chance. And you don’t always have to make it into some difficult, grand project the second go round. All I know is, if this becomes a “thing” again, or even if it’s really nothing, that’s ok. I’ll just focus on the now. Not what happened before, or what it will or should be…just how cool it feels now. And who knows, maybe if I ride this out, my cold heart can be fixed. I’m basically issuing the world a challenge – see if you can prove me wrong. Because I have no reason to believe in this shit anymore, but I’m not saying it’s impossible. I think it’s only possible if someone is able to step up to the plate and knock my socks off, and that will take quite the man. Because my experiences and standards have brought this little game to a whole new level. So try if you will. Humor me. Not a knight in shining armor type deal. More like a brave streetfighter of love (I mean, knight on a white horse is so done, so cliché romantic; too pretty boy prince that says the right words however cheesy they are. I need more of a UFC fighter – real ballsy, knows what he’s up against, but steps into the cage anyways. Only I would break out this analogy…)
Enough babbling…I will leave you with the few shots I was able to get on my way out the door…
I did a grey version of this!
Yes, you read that right. I can’t believe it. I’m excited.
You’d think I would be nervous, but I’m not because it’s with someone I’ve known for 4 years now. And we kinda sorta dated 2 years ago. lol
I dunno, things were never really serious. There was a lot of drama and I said I didn’t want to see him ever again, but I always said I didn’t hate him. Even though things got messed up with bad timing, every time someone tried to console me by saying “he’s a jerk,” I always stood up for him and said that he’s not a bad person, he just did some messed up things. We’ve kept in touch, and the last time I saw him was two months ago.
It’s just always good to hear from him, he’s so sweet. Just a good person to be around. And he’s been asking a few times to hang out over the past month. So I finally said yes to this Saturday night. I’m trying really hard not to think of it as a date, but really just 2 “old friends” catching up. Yes, we’re going to a nice place for dinner, and yes I get to dress up.
OHMYGOD. I think I might be more excited to get dressed up and have a guy open doors for me and take me to a nice dinner. What girl doesn’t love that?! The last time I was taken on a real date was probably…February 2011. Ugh, yes. Sad but true. Usually I don’t need the fancy stuff – I’m a simple girl and prefer to cuddle at home with wine and a movie. But sometimes you gotta be fancy!
You know I already have an outfit picked out lol I haven’t gone so far as to parade around the house in it (yet); a bright coral (fitting) pencil skirt, black dressy tank with sequin detail at the neckline, and those black heels – you know what I mean. Sky high stilettos. Mm hmm. And I have hair and nail appointments on Saturday. This is going to be so fun!
I’m being a complete screeching girl, not even sorry. I mean, given what I’ve been through the past 6-7 months, this is a surprising move. I’m proud of myself for being open to this. And it’s a good “first step” since it’s not a complete stranger with nervousness and awkward moments and trying to impress and being afraid to say the wrong thing. This is comfortable, and putting the date-like aspects aside, it’ll just be good to catch up. Watch, he’ll just say “yeah, I need a kidney” or something. Moment over. lol Only me.
I will obviously report back. Time to go find some new eye makeup tutorial on Youtube of course 🙂
P.S. – I still have no desire to be in a relationship, let’s make that clear. This isn’t some “pick up where we left off” thing. Especially since I’ve never been one to let you back in after you’ve shown me the kind of person you are…a.k.a. you blew it, don’t take me for granted. But at the same time…I wouldn’t be mad at some hand holding/cuddling. I’m overdue lol And people change/grow…and deserve second chances. But this is very, very different from the one that destroyed my heart – he showed himself to be a not-so-good person and everyone else has said the same thing; basically he acts like an asshole with no apologies…not that I’m attracted to assholes lol But this guy is a good guy through and through…just made some mistakes. And don’t we all? So if anyone deserves a second chance, it’d be him. Hence this dinner. When the jerk asks to meet up? I ignore the message. See the difference? haha
Ok, so I spent a wonderful day on my balcony reading this:
Not sorry. Sometimes, you just need to get lost in a silly novel – a good beach read kind of book. It sounds cheesy, but it’s been a long time since I just let myself sit and read for pleasure. I’d been studying for months, and I had started Fifty Shades/Hunger Games but can’t really get into them (weird, I know).
Anyways, it was nice getting back to my old nerdy habit of reading a book start to finish in a day. But it has left me feeling all……mushy.
Gah, I know, I know. These are fictional characters. But the story line, and the heroine & her relationship with the hot player turned good guy…hit REAL close to home. Too close. It was like I was reading about myself. As much as I was cheering for them (because you always want love to win/a happy ending), a big part of me was screaming “no, screw him! That’s right, girl – he hurt you so he deserves all of this. Let him feel how you felt. Deuces.” But then the author was able to tap into my “aww” zone – that’s right, she described all of the affection so well that it dragged out wayy too many memories. And of course, I immediately thought of him. Now I’m all “we used to cuddle like that, all I want to do is cuddle right now, and to hold someone’s hand, and to be kissed on my forehead; he used to kiss me on the back of my neck; it’s so nice to feel protected from the world in his arms!” GAG.
I guess there’s a difference between these things being described so well, and scoffing at seeing some cute couple in public with their PDA, as well as the memories just randomly crossing my mind now and then. The truth is that I haven’t really been letting myself recall all of the good moments, because they cloud your logic and efforts of being strong and getting over someone. I think too many people look back at all of the good – because it’s so easy to do so. We can quickly and easily remember a relationship as all of the gooey moments because we usually make it a point to forget all of the bad – who wants to remember that?
So yes – I think about him daily. Or sometimes 1 of 2 other guys when I get a text or see something that reminds me of one of them. Regardless of who it is, as soon as some glowy picture of us holding hands, laughing and not having a care in the world, and them making me feel like a princess pops into my head, I immediately force myself to snap out of it. All it takes is an “oh, waaait, that’s right – remember when you screwed me over? Yeah, that.” Moment over.
The point of all my rambling is this: today, as well as some SERIOUS life chats had over vodka the past couple weekends with people I’ve known for 8-13 years, have made me remember that I am just a relationship type of person – I can’t fight it. I always have been. I’ve just spent the past year trying to fight it. I got called out the other night: someone casually mentioned “When you get married you’ll…” and before he could finish his sentence, I cut him off and snapped “I’m NOT getting married!! Why does no one believe me when I say that?!” It makes me so angry that people just aren’t accepting the fact that I’ve chosen not to. It’s like they’re not respecting my feelings and that they somehow know me better than I know myself. Without asking him for an explanation, he apologetically said “whoa, sorry, it’s just that…well…you’re definitely the marrying type – it’s something you’ve always wanted and being a wife is so natural and in line with your personality.” I barked back that that girl is gone because some guys screwed her over and she has yet to meet a happily married couple or really hear someone endorse marriage.
But is that girl really gone?? I realized today that she’s really not, she’s just wounded lol Wounded and I’m trying to act as her bodyguard and protect her from the world all together because I know better. Kind of like lots of paparazzi trying to get at a celeb. Enough of the bad analogies, but you get what I mean. I’ve just been expending a LOT of energy…not putting up a front…no, let’s not call it putting up a wall as a defense mechanism…and let’s not call it lying to myself. All of those are a bit harsh and sound like something I’d hear in therapy, as accurate as they may be. I can’t describe it. I guess it’s like this: I’ve always been this hopeless romantic, this girl that always kept a big smile on her face and remained optimistic with every new relationship, leaving behind baggage because every guy is different…but now that the nice girl has reached her breaking point and faced the ultimate hurt by the only guy she ever considered marrying…I’ve been trying to take a new approach. That’s it, not so much stifling the optimistic girl, but seeing that the approach I’ve been taking hasn’t gotten me anywhere, so it’s time to try something different. Like I’ve been shown enough of the world to see when it’s time to change my outlook.
The fact of the matter is that it’s draining. It has been killing me. It’s just way too much energy and effort to force myself not to want love. To use my head instead of my heart. It’s almost like my brain said “Umm, you’ve been screwing up, you are driving us into the ground, clearly time for me to take over.” But it’s not entirely natural.
Basically, three things have been happening a lot lately: 1) vodka-infused life chats with those close to me & being called out on my emotions; 2) HIM (yes, the one you never get over/constantly referenced in this blog) e-mailing & texting me a few times over the past few weeks saying he misses me and that we need to meet up to have this conversation in person; 3) me reading this stupid book today and it knocking me over the head with the fact that I naturally like all of the mushy stuff REGARDLESS of being hurt and I really need to stop suppressing it.
So not some knee-jerk reaction here – my feelings have been a function of a few factors. First off…him wanting to meet in person:
Can we all just gasp collectively? I know, right?! It only takes reading one of my old posts to realize just how much he hurt me/the level of stuff that has gone down between us. I can barely stomach thinking about him, let alone seeing him in person. I never even asked myself the “What would you do if you ran into him again?” question because I just blindly told myself that it never would happen – that I refused to see him ever again. I don’t even think I could handle it. And I told him that and turned down the invitations over the past few weeks. I said it’s best to electronically communicate because there is no way in hell I could see him in person and compose myself. I don’t know if I’d be overcome with emotion and cry, or anger and want to hit him. I’m not a violent person, but he’s got an angry girl punch coming.
This – this is why I cut people off. There doesn’t need to be any dialogue or communication once things are over – why do people insist on talking things over? We’ve both said PLENTY via e-mail. Most guys I know don’t let things fade away because it’s like they need reassurance or something. Like they need to know I don’t entirely hate them so they can sleep at night and not totally feel like the scum they are, or worse yet – they’re concerned what I’ll tell mutual friends. If you know me at all, I’m not going to talk shit about you or try to sway a friend to “be on my side.” We’re adults. The facts speak for themselves. It’s always been like that – all of your friends tell me that you’re being an idiot without me convincing them. And they have no reason to butter me up – if anything, I’d think they’d take your “side” out of loyalty/by default even if they think I’m right. Like I was saying, you cut people off, then there’s no room for maybe’s or what if’s…
You run the risk of falling in love all over again, or just seeing them in person again stirs up all of those feelings and you immediately lose all sense and forgive them. Or you somewhat stand your ground, and they go and apologize, tell you they need you, they’ll never do it again, they miss you – you know, all the right things to say. Even if you weren’t even looking for them to say anything at all, they have and now you’re screwed. And to be honest, the way I feel about this guy, I’m kinda nervous for that to happen. For one, he is…hot. Like really hot. As in, the sight of him makes me MELT and it should be illegal to be that good-looking, and I don’t know why he liked me. lol I’m a strong girl, but not having that all in my face clouding my thoughts is crucial. No, I’m not a girl that goes dumb around him, and his hotness lets him get away with murder, it’s just that…I’m forced to remember having those arms hold me…and how they look so good in every shirt he owns…and…
SEE. I just slipped into a romance novel. Geez. I just need to tap into my anger. Recall all of the bad things. But that’s my problem: I try not to hold onto my anger and I’m pretty forgiving, especially when I know I’ve hurt him too. So yeah, even though I have A LOT more reasons to be angry with him, and most people make me out to be the victim here, I’m honest with myself and him in the fact that I’m not completely innocent. That’s the tough part – even though I passed the breaking point, what I thought was the point of no return…I guess you can’t say never, right? It just kills me, KILLLLS me to think of letting someone back in when they’ve shown that they don’t deserve you in their life. So while I sit here securely feeling like getting closure/I’m making the right decision because things aren’t necessarily healthy, at the same time I have to ask myself if I’m being too harsh. Too final or black & white about things. I hate second-guessing myself, and this isn’t coming from a recent mushy place. A lot of things in life always leave you with that “Did I make the right decision?” thing and you don’t want to look back regretting anything. That’s tough. Especially when someone is showing you that they clearly care. And that’s throwing me off! I’ve spent the past 4 months basically ignoring him, not really expecting him to care. He’s always been that kind of person – “oh, you want to ignore me? Screw you then, whatever, your loss, peace.” Like zero shits given. Dismissive. Oddly unemotional. So I thought that’d make this easy with that attitude. But no – he won’t let this go. You want to meet up to talk? You want to hang out like old times and you miss me? Umm, do I know you?! lol It all doesn’t make sense. It’s making me feel pretty uneasy. Not stressing me out, and you’d think I’d be happy, but I’m just. I dunno. We’ll see.
“…So I made a list of some must-haves we single ladies should be looking for. Well, not just looking for, but holding out for. Here’s what is non-negotiable:
1. A guy who can make you laugh. Some things in life are not funny. Can he make you at least chuckle when the chips are down?
2. A guy who will laugh at your jokes and “get” you. He might not understand you perfectly on the first date, but if you think you’re funny at all, I hope he gets that and appreciates it about you. Otherwise, you could be Kathy Griffin and you’ll still be laughing alone your whole life.
3. A guy who will attend your lame “things.” Adult dance recital, Mom’s birthday party? Find the guy who will go to something boring even though he will get nothing out of it-but he’ll go for you.
4. A guy who will do nothing with you. And I mean Nothing. If you’re feeling low-energy, anti-social, or blah, can he sit and do nothing with you or does he always leave you on the couch and go party with the guys? And could you two entertain each other on a deserted island or while stuck in traffic?
5. A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card. Not every time, obviously, but I would hope this dude would have his moments of showing you he has thought about you.
6. A guy who will say he loves you. I do not care about his made-up theory that love is just a social construct or what have you. Hold out for someone who can and will say it. Also, he shouldn’t say it just because you want him to; he should say it because it feels good to say it.
7. A guy you respect. Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Does he generally like his job? Is he proud of himself? Let’s hope so, ’cause if you think he’s a lazy idiot, you’ll end up resenting him.
I asked some of my friends what they held out for, and this is what they told me….
8. A guy you have good chemistry with. He doesn’t have to be Jude Law, but you should be attracted enough so that every time you have an argument, you will be motivated (by your underlying desire for him!) to work it out.
9. A guy who agrees with you about travel. If you have wanderlust and he never wants to leave his hometown, don’t compromise by staying with him long-term and staying home. It’s fine to be a homebody, but if you’re interested in exploring, find a guy with the travel bug. Otherwise, you’ll look back one day when you’re too old, tired, or broke and you’ll wish you had seen the world.
10. A guy with similar family goals. Don’t compromise on whether or not you’ll have kids. If you want them, find a guy who does. Me, I don’t get serious with guys who say “maybe” they want kids. I want someone who feels as sure as I do-and I can’t talk anyone in or out of anything.
And finally, the best one-of course, comes from my wise friend Melissa:
11. “Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen. He thinks you’re smart, funny, beautiful and powerful-always. Even on days when you can’t believe any of that about yourself.”
That’s a good one! Can’t wait for that.
What are you holding out for?”