We’ve got a problem.

Ok, so I spent a wonderful day on my balcony reading this:

Not sorry. Sometimes, you just need to get lost in a silly novel – a good beach read kind of book. It sounds cheesy, but it’s been a long time since I just let myself sit and read for pleasure. I’d been studying for months, and I had started Fifty Shades/Hunger Games but can’t really get into them (weird, I know).

Anyways, it was nice getting back to my old nerdy habit of reading a book start to finish in a day. But it has left me feeling all……mushy.

Gah, I know, I know. These are fictional characters. But the story line, and the heroine & her relationship with the hot player turned good guy…hit REAL close to home. Too close. It was like I was reading about myself. As much as I was cheering for them (because you always want love to win/a happy ending), a big part of me was screaming “no, screw him! That’s right, girl – he hurt you so he deserves all of this. Let him feel how you felt. Deuces.” But then the author was able to tap into my “aww” zone – that’s right, she described all of the affection so well that it dragged out wayy too many memories. And of course, I immediately thought of him. Now I’m all “we used to cuddle like that, all I want to do is cuddle right now, and to hold someone’s hand, and to be kissed on my forehead; he used to kiss me on the back of my neck; it’s so nice to feel protected from the world in his arms!” GAG.

I guess there’s a difference between these things being described so well, and scoffing at seeing some cute couple in public with their PDA, as well as the memories just randomly crossing my mind now and then. The truth is that I haven’t really been letting myself recall all of the good moments, because they cloud your logic and efforts of being strong and getting over someone. I think too many people look back at all of the good – because it’s so easy to do so. We can quickly and easily remember a relationship as all of the gooey moments because we usually make it a point to forget all of the bad – who wants to remember that?

So yes – I think about him daily. Or sometimes 1 of 2 other guys when I get a text or see something that reminds me of one of them. Regardless of who it is, as soon as some glowy picture of us holding hands, laughing and not having a care in the world, and them making me feel like a princess pops into my head, I immediately force myself to snap out of it. All it takes is an “oh, waaait, that’s right – remember when you screwed me over? Yeah, that.” Moment over.

The point of all my rambling is this: today, as well as some SERIOUS life chats had over vodka the past couple weekends with people I’ve known for 8-13 years, have made me remember that I am just a relationship type of person – I can’t fight it. I always have been. I’ve just spent the past year trying to fight it. I got called out the other night: someone casually mentioned “When you get married you’ll…” and before he could finish his sentence, I cut him off and snapped “I’m NOT getting married!! Why does no one believe me when I say that?!” It makes me so angry that people just aren’t accepting the fact that I’ve chosen not to. It’s like they’re not respecting my feelings and that they somehow know me better than I know myself. Without asking him for an explanation, he apologetically said “whoa, sorry, it’s just that…well…you’re definitely the marrying type – it’s something you’ve always wanted and being a wife is so natural and in line with your personality.” I barked back that that girl is gone because some guys screwed her over and she has yet to meet a happily married couple or really hear someone endorse marriage.

But is that girl really gone?? I realized today that she’s really not, she’s just wounded lol Wounded and I’m trying to act as her bodyguard and protect her from the world all together because I know better. Kind of like lots of paparazzi trying to get at a celeb. Enough of the bad analogies, but you get what I mean. I’ve just been expending a LOT of energy…not putting up a front…no, let’s not call it putting up a wall as a defense mechanism…and let’s not call it lying to myself. All of those are a bit harsh and sound like something I’d hear in therapy, as accurate as they may be. I can’t describe it. I guess it’s like this: I’ve always been this hopeless romantic, this girl that always kept a big smile on her face and remained optimistic with every new relationship, leaving behind baggage because every guy is different…but now that the nice girl has reached her breaking point and faced the ultimate hurt by the only guy she ever considered marrying…I’ve been trying to take a new approach. That’s it, not so much stifling the optimistic girl, but seeing that the approach I’ve been taking hasn’t gotten me anywhere, so it’s time to try something different. Like I’ve been shown enough of the world to see when it’s time to change my outlook.

The fact of the matter is that it’s draining. It has been killing me. It’s just way too much energy and effort to force myself not to want love. To use my head instead of my heart. It’s almost like my brain said “Umm, you’ve been screwing up, you are driving us into the ground, clearly time for me to take over.” But it’s not entirely natural.

Basically, three things have been happening a lot lately: 1) vodka-infused life chats with those close to me & being called out on my emotions; 2) HIM (yes, the one you never get over/constantly referenced in this blog) e-mailing & texting me a few times over the past few weeks saying he misses me and that we need to meet up to have this conversation in person; 3) me reading this stupid book today and it knocking me over the head with the fact that I naturally like all of the mushy stuff REGARDLESS of being hurt and I really need to stop suppressing it.

So not some knee-jerk reaction here – my feelings have been a function of a few factors. First off…him wanting to meet in person:

Can we all just gasp collectively? I know, right?! It only takes reading one of my old posts to realize just how much he hurt me/the level of stuff that has gone down between us. I can barely stomach thinking about him, let alone seeing him in person. I never even asked myself the “What would you do if you ran into him again?” question because I just blindly told myself that it never would happen – that I refused to see him ever again. I don’t even think I could handle it. And I told him that and turned down the invitations over the past few weeks. I said it’s best to electronically communicate because there is no way in hell I could see him in person and compose myself. I don’t know if I’d be overcome with emotion and cry, or anger and want to hit him. I’m not a violent person, but he’s got an angry girl punch coming.

This – this is why I cut people off. There doesn’t need to be any dialogue or communication once things are over – why do people insist on talking things over? We’ve both said PLENTY via e-mail. Most guys I know don’t let things fade away because it’s like they need reassurance or something. Like they need to know I don’t entirely hate them so they can sleep at night and not totally feel like the scum they are, or worse yet – they’re concerned what I’ll tell mutual friends. If you know me at all, I’m not going to talk shit about you or try to sway a friend to “be on my side.” We’re adults. The facts speak for themselves. It’s always been like that – all of your friends tell me that you’re being an idiot without me convincing them. And they have no reason to butter me up – if anything, I’d think they’d take your “side” out of loyalty/by default even if they think I’m right. Like I was saying, you cut people off, then there’s no room for maybe’s or what if’s…

You run the risk of falling in love all over again, or just seeing them in person again stirs up all of those feelings and you immediately lose all sense and forgive them. Or you somewhat stand your ground, and they go and apologize, tell you they need you, they’ll never do it again, they miss you – you know, all the right things to say. Even if you weren’t even looking for them to say anything at all, they have and now you’re screwed. And to be honest, the way I feel about this guy, I’m kinda nervous for that to happen. For one, he is…hot. Like really hot. As in, the sight of him makes me MELT and it should be illegal to be that good-looking, and I don’t know why he liked me. lol I’m a strong girl, but not having that all in my face clouding my thoughts is crucial. No, I’m not a girl that goes dumb around him, and his hotness lets him get away with murder, it’s just that…I’m forced to remember having those arms hold me…and how they look so good in every shirt he owns…and…

SEE. I just slipped into a romance novel. Geez. I just need to tap into my anger. Recall all of the bad things. But that’s my problem: I try not to hold onto my anger and I’m pretty forgiving, especially when I know I’ve hurt him too. So yeah, even though I have A LOT more reasons to be angry with him, and most people make me out to be the victim here, I’m honest with myself and him in the fact that I’m not completely innocent. That’s the tough part – even though I passed the breaking point, what I thought was the point of no return…I guess you can’t say never, right? It just kills me, KILLLLS me to think of letting someone back in when they’ve shown that they don’t deserve you in their life. So while I sit here securely feeling like getting closure/I’m making the right decision because things aren’t necessarily healthy, at the same time I have to ask myself if I’m being too harsh. Too final or black & white about things. I hate second-guessing myself, and this isn’t coming from a recent mushy place. A lot of things in life always leave you with that “Did I make the right decision?” thing and you don’t want to look back regretting anything. That’s tough. Especially when someone is showing you that they clearly care. And that’s throwing me off! I’ve spent the past 4 months basically ignoring him, not really expecting him to care. He’s always been that kind of person – “oh, you want to ignore me? Screw you then, whatever, your loss, peace.” Like zero shits given. Dismissive. Oddly unemotional. So I thought that’d make this easy with that attitude. But no – he won’t let this go. You want to meet up to talk? You want to hang out like old times and you miss me? Umm, do I know you?! lol It all doesn’t make sense. It’s making me feel pretty uneasy. Not stressing me out, and you’d think I’d be happy, but I’m just. I dunno. We’ll see.

11 Things Every Girl Should Hold Out For

via Glamour Magazine

“…So I made a list of some must-haves we single ladies should be looking for. Well, not just looking for, but holding out for. Here’s what is non-negotiable:

1. A guy who can make you laugh. Some things in life are not funny. Can he make you at least chuckle when the chips are down?

2. A guy who will laugh at your jokes and “get” you. He might not understand you perfectly on the first date, but if you think you’re funny at all, I hope he gets that and appreciates it about you. Otherwise, you could be Kathy Griffin and you’ll still be laughing alone your whole life.

3. A guy who will attend your lame “things.” Adult dance recital, Mom’s birthday party? Find the guy who will go to something boring even though he will get nothing out of it-but he’ll go for you.

4. A guy who will do nothing with you. And I mean Nothing. If you’re feeling low-energy, anti-social, or blah, can he sit and do nothing with you or does he always leave you on the couch and go party with the guys? And could you two entertain each other on a deserted island or while stuck in traffic?

5. A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card. Not every time, obviously, but I would hope this dude would have his moments of showing you he has thought about you.

6. A guy who will say he loves you. I do not care about his made-up theory that love is just a social construct or what have you. Hold out for someone who can and will say it. Also, he shouldn’t say it just because you want him to; he should say it because it feels good to say it.

7. A guy you respect. Does he have a good head on his shoulders? Does he generally like his job? Is he proud of himself? Let’s hope so, ’cause if you think he’s a lazy idiot, you’ll end up resenting him.

I asked some of my friends what they held out for, and this is what they told me….

8. A guy you have good chemistry with. He doesn’t have to be Jude Law, but you should be attracted enough so that every time you have an argument, you will be motivated (by your underlying desire for him!) to work it out.

9. A guy who agrees with you about travel. If you have wanderlust and he never wants to leave his hometown, don’t compromise by staying with him long-term and staying home. It’s fine to be a homebody, but if you’re interested in exploring, find a guy with the travel bug. Otherwise, you’ll look back one day when you’re too old, tired, or broke and you’ll wish you had seen the world.

10. A guy with similar family goals. Don’t compromise on whether or not you’ll have kids. If you want them, find a guy who does. Me, I don’t get serious with guys who say “maybe” they want kids. I want someone who feels as sure as I do-and I can’t talk anyone in or out of anything.

And finally, the best one-of course, comes from my wise friend Melissa:

11. “Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen. He thinks you’re smart, funny, beautiful and powerful-always. Even on days when you can’t believe any of that about yourself.”

That’s a good one! Can’t wait for that.

What are you holding out for?”

I need to hear this now more than ever – perfection.

“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence to do it in person … if he’s not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it’s like to live without you…No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.”

— He’s Just Not That Into You

Excuse me while I cry.

So I’m wondering…

Since I’ve decided to swear off relationships all together (as evidenced by my 10 months of being single & in light of recent life-changing events), I’m wondering what’s wrong with me. No, not like that in a low self-esteem way…

 

I’ve decided that being with someone just isn’t my thing, even though I am a very caring, loving person who enjoys being in relationships. I’ve never been one to embrace being single/”free.” I’ve always felt that I’m “at my best” in relationships. But am I really? I’ve never stopped to really think about that until recently. Because in reality, I’ve been doing quite well sans boyfriend. Focusing on my career/education/workouts/goals. And doing it all without the emotional expense that a relationship drops on you.

 

Yeah, when I’m in a good relationship, I walk around all smiles and people notice it – a change in my walk, that glow about me…”ooh, Lauren’s in love!” Then again, if the asshole did something/we got in a fight, people notice that my whole mood is dragged down and sometimes that interferes with stuff like job/school performance or catching an attitude with someone else. So I gotta say that the peace and calm from the absence of such drama kinda outweighs the “feeling lonely” aspect that pops up like once a month…

 

My question of the day is this though: I’ve chosen not to be in a relationship because I don’t want to deal with someone else’s crap, basically. BUT…don’t they have to take on mine in some respect?! I’m not perfect…close…but not quite haha I think my problem is that it’s always been me taking all of the crap and putting in all/most of the effort…and it wasn’t just in my head – both my friends/family and his friends/family said the same thing. So it’s not a biased opinion. If your own mother agrees with me that you’re being a jerk…or your best friend…clearly I’m not in the wrong here.

 

But maybe I can’t look at it as “90% of this relationship is me tolerating your crap, and the other 10% of the time it’s you dealing with me.” Maybe I also need to adjust my thinking in terms of things I do/don’t do. I always focus on the fact that I don’t do typical big no-no things like nagging and that I’m good at picking my battles; but maybe there are some things that I do do lol And that if someone is able to take my little issues here and there, then surely I should be willing to take on theirs, right? Because I could just be a stronger person – like I’m able to handle the crap they throw at me, but if I threw the same to them, they wouldn’t be able to handle it. It really comes down to a relativity thing: if he forgets my birthday, I’m not gonna spaz – guys are dumb and that shit happens. Some guys I’ve dated (yes, really), if I had ever forgotten their bday, the world would’ve fallen apart. Yeah, you could say this is where really getting to know someone comes in – because if you take the time to discuss things and see how they react to certain things, you can feel out if you guys are on the same page, and if you are, there shouldn’t be any issues – everyone should be in agreement as to what things are going to drive a wedge between you. But we all know that’s not always the case…

 

I dunno – all in all, I think the bottom line is that a) I don’t need to be in a relationship because to me, having to deal with someone’s crap when you put in so much effort, is downplaying/ignoring your self worth and settling – they’re basically wasting and taking advantage of your kindness; b) even if you actually find someone that’s worth taking on some things, they -gasp- actually respect and appreciate you, you treat each other well, and you give 101%, there is NO guarantee that they won’t cheat on you/fuck you over. Not only that, but there is an extremely high chance that they will screw you over. Giving someone your all doesn’t mean you’ll get it in return. Or even if the first few months or years are great, you never know if that person will change.

 

Yes, it’s a gamble you have to be willing to take, but I’m a Finance girl: look at the market return – 50% plus divorce rate?! Most unmarried people I see break up/cheating on each other too?! & Besides observing all of that, my own damn experiences of being cheated on after giving my all? NO THANKS. Those aren’t good odds and not worth my investment (and a fine one it is too LOL jk I meant my heart/time…) I know you have to be willing to take the bad to get to enjoy all of the good stuff, but too often it starts out like that…and you think everything is great…then boom, the bad starts to outweigh the good. So you gotta break up. But if you’re married instead, that means divorce. And marriage is a one-shot deal to me…

 

So um…given that…I think I’m good being on my own. The reality is setting in that that means not having kids, which is kinda hard to accept (and no, I’m not willing to just do it on my own), but I guess I’ll survive. And if you’re about to say some shit like “aww, you just haven’t met Mr. Right yet/he’ll come along/just be patient” bullshit – shut up. Please. I’m over it. I’m not a pessimist, just a realist. I’m honest with myself unlike most people. I can still walk through life with an upbeat attitude while holding onto reality – accepting the harsh reality that is the world doesn’t mean walking around with a dark cloud over your head and frowning all the time lol So I’ll just walk around cheesing real hard like I already do 24/7, but with a heavy heart.

That’s the only thing – being optimistic/overly cheery despite having the truth shown to you, actually sets you up for disaster. Like the girl who sees all of her friends getting divorced or she’s had 80 failed attempts at dating. Instead of recognizing that she’s at a point of realization/it’s time to get real, she prances around all happy ignoring the truth thinking that she’ll get married – the next guy will be the one for sure. Yeah, she still could possibly, anything is possible, but it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot more when it doesn’t happen because she didn’t prepare for that outcome. Now she’s on the sofa inhaling ice cream…

It’s kinda like putting your heart on a pedestal – if your standards & expectations are a little lower, the impending fall won’t hurt as much. If you’re the 2% that’s lucky enough to not fall off the pedestal – congrats. Not only did you not hit the ground and get hurt, but you’re literally higher than everyone else – which is exactly what being in love with the right person feels like. I’ve felt that – like no one or no thing can touch you and all is well with the world. Good for you.

 

But not only am I “lowering” my pedestal, I’m coming down off of it all together – just going to sit here off to the side safe and in tact while I laugh at all of the fools falling and breaking limbs. But then there’s the people way up top throwing rocks down at me and taunting me lol Whatev.

“hey cl me”

I really just got this text.

1. You’re a grown-ass man, don’t text like a 12-year-old.
2. A real man picks up the phone if he wants to talk to a lady. Does your phone suddenly not have outgoing calls? That might work with the hoes I see you with, but I’m not the one. I’m not some silly girl to run behind you and call you bc you said to.
3. I HAVE ZERO DESIRE TO TALK TO YOU. How have you not gotten the hint?!?! We’re barely friends; I like someone else. I’m trying to be nice, but I can see I might have to turn the ‘b’ on.
4. This – this is exactly why I need a certain someone to save me. Save me from the filth that is 99% of men. You all disgust me. And this is why women don’t trust you/so many of us are single.

I don’t know why that irritated me so much, but it did. I should be glad someone wants to talk to me, but the level of ignorance is no longer tolerable. It’s really annoying at this point – like a gnat in my ear. It just blows my mind bc it seems like being a good guy is such a simple, straightforward thing. How do so many mess it up?! I think it actually takes work to be an idiot, it must. Like do you recognize the qualities of a good man, shrug your shoulders, and skip off to be an idiot instead?? I really don’t get it. It’s one thing to choose to be an idiot, do that in your own time and space, but when it intrudes on my calm and peace, now I’m mad. This is why I avoid guys – because otherwise you’re inviting idiot-behavior into your space. You all keep proving me right…

Dear ❤ …help 😦

I’m Sexy and I Know It

no, not really. But that’s a great song and perfect for this post.

For some strange reason, as I was warming up on the treadmill at the gym tonight, I felt something…extra. Then I realized it was my butt. It was a little extra jiggly today. I wasn’t mad at it. In my head, I even patted myself on the back like “ok, I see you girl. Grandma’s cooking sticking around…” (These conversations happen – don’t judge me.)

But then, I grab a barbell and go out into the hallway to have my OWN space and calm with my headphones in. A girl’s just trying to crank out some squats…and creeper guy wants to get in my face. I have my headphones IN and I’m squatting – I’m not sitting idly by or remotely looking like I want to converse. I have a lot on my mind and want to be left alone; I’m a very friendly girl any other time, and yes we’ve joked around before, but get at me tomorrow. BUT NO. Next thing I know, he rolls up on me to chat…moves in close, bends over so his eyes are at my waist level…and squeezes each of my quads saying “ooh, ok, I see you – got a little definition going there! Nice.” I threw up in my mouth a little, but brushed it off, let that be that before I caused a scene…

THEN, I stop at Wawa to just get a drink and some gas, minding my own business. Then this group of guys does the slow down walk so they can proceed to look me up and down and look at each other. I made it a point to make ZERO eye contact…but then I hear…”Mmmph, she got a real nice body right there.”

I can’t.

All of this happening in 1 hour left me thinking…”Am I just looking extra juicy today?? What’s going on here?”

lmao I kid.

If you know me IRL, you know that I never have and never will call myself hot or sexy, or “bad bitch,” or whatever stupid phrase these Nicki Minaj Barbie wannabe’s choose to call themselves this week. And if you’ve ever used these phrases, or “dime” or “ten”…Slap yourself. Seriously.

I have no self-esteem issues. I don’t think I’m ugly…if I had to pick, I’d call it cute. Yeah, cute. Because I’m nerdy and athletic – not someone slinking down a runway lmao When I feel like I’m being awkward, I’ve been told I’m being graceful. I can’t ever be “sexy” – it makes me feel like a complete idiot to even try (sometimes it just happens on accident – what can I say? kidding). I’m just…the good girl. Even when I have on the sexiest Freakum Dress, I’m kinda like “eh. As long as he likes it and wants to show me off, we good.” LOL

The point is this – it ANNOYS me when girls (or guys) brag about their looks. It’s one thing to have self-confidence and good self-esteem/body image, but to think you’re God’s gift to the opposite sex? Get over yourself, please. I say this for two reasons:

1) To me, saying that gives the impression that you are 100% certain every single person asked will find you attractive. Of course, if anyone opposes, you’re quick to dismiss them and call them blind/an idiot. Some good examples – I don’t think Denzel is cute; I’ve met guys that don’t think Halle Berry is cute; I don’t think Megan Fox is that cute. No, I’m not a hater, and no, these were not gay men.

2) It’s actually unattractive to brag about well…how attractive you are. Don’t be cocky. It’s a turnoff. “But I’m just letting them know how it is…” STFU. If it’s really all that, you don’t have to tell anybody anything. Amirite? Your hotness should do all the talking. Be humble. Be unassuming. I don’t think guys mind if a girl brags, but I know girls go NUTS over guys…”eek! He doesn’t even know how cute he is…aww! I want to marry him.” We all do it. Hell, even if you know you look better than anyone else but don’t say anything about it…I’m in love. If you won’t stop kissing your guns…I’m going to call you insecure. You gotta come with more than a nice body, homie.

“Lauren, you’re not saying anything new.” YEAH WELL…I think we can all agree that a lot of people “say” this in theory all damn day, but in the end, shallow kicks in and lots of people get into relationships based on looks…and end up miserable/cheating. It’s sad. OR, what’s worse – when girls (yes, I know some like this) rely on their looks; they think that’s the only thing they have going for them, or they simply choose to not strive for more because their looks will get them by – ‘why put in real work when I can just like, tan & dye my hair and wear lots of makeup?!’ Pick up a book. Go to the gym. Here’s a secret – guys (the good ones) like it when you’re attractive and smart. Shocking, I know.

And 2 more things worth noting…a) I HATE, HATE getting hit on – it makes me feel awkward because my reaction is either “You’re a scrub, how quickly can I get out of this?! / I have to be smooth here otherwise I’ll get called a bitch with the angry tone and get scared and he’ll grab my arm.” or “He really doesn’t think you’re that great, you’re the 16th of 20 girls he’ll hit on today, he just wants some, don’t take it personally girl.” (and in the off chance that a guy tells me I’m pretty and actually means it, I find it awkward because I’m thinking “wait – you mean to tell me that you and every other guy spend hours drooling over girls that are ‘hot’ but I’m not that, andd you still think I’m pretty? This isn’t right – you should be over there hitting on the skank, that’s the way the world works. Something’s off here…What do you want?” I’m kidding, I only think that; I don’t blow guys off bc of that…I blow them off after making entertaining small talk bc my heart is taken, duh.)

b)”But Lauren – you have to take it as a compliment, at least guys are noticing you!” Shut up. There is only one person I enjoy attention from because I know it’s authentic. So everything else should be of no value to me in that sense…but I guess I could look at it as a “your work in the gym is paying off and shows.” But I don’t look to other people to assess my success in the gym – if I feel good and I feel that I look in shape by MY standards, it’s good. Otherwise, you will make yourself crazy.

Let’s be real – I work out so I can stuff my face. Truth.