Things I’m grateful for

  • Love – something big happened this weekend. Very big. Like blast from the past old flame style. Not just some crummy text from some guy checking in. I didn’t see any of this coming, so I’m still kinda scratching my head. All I know is this: 1) I’m proud that I only freaked out for a minute, but then let myself jump in and go with it; 2) He kisses me the way I’ve always wanted to be kissed – like in the movies that takes your breath away. Phew. So many feelings. Very grateful for this one.
  • Tailgating – Grilling. Outside air. Friends. Games. Beer. Jams. Something pretty simple brings people together.
  • Online shopping/mail – the anticipation is killing me. We’re so used to just grabbing something at the store and immediately having it. But constant refresh on that tracking number? Kinda fun in a weird way lol (Both of my orders are due by EOD tomorrow – oh, happy day)
  • Hoodies – so, so warm and comfy. I will never have enough or get enough of wearing them. Please don’t come back, summer.
  • Cuddling – oh, how I missed this.
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A roller coaster day

Does anyone else take a two-hour nap after work and before bed? I just woke up from one.

I hope that gives you an idea of how the past 2 days have been. I’m drained.

First – new job is AWESOME. Everyone is super nice and helpful, really knows their stuff. This is exactly what I’ve been looking for and I really feel like I’m in the right place finally. I spent most of yesterday meeting everyone/a two-hour lunch at a nice seafood restaurant. All day today was training in a classroom on all of the systems and a few processes – same thing tomorrow. I forgot how rough sitting in class and paying attention is – all the coffee.

So I’ve been on this new job high…was feeling good after leaving the gym this morning, looking forward to another day at work…then boom – a very unexpected text from The One. That’s right – that guy. I haven’t talked to him in over, hmm, 16 months?? My heart sank. It was just a nice “hope all is well.” And usually I ignore any messages for fear of feelings resurfacing after I’ve worked so hard to suppress them and heal. But I realized that I’m in a really good place and strong enough to handle it; and I don’t like being a jerk, so I replied with a nice “you too.” Short and sweet. Let’s leave it at that. Got another text in the afternoon…and we ended up spending the day catching up on each other’s lives. It’s like nothing ever happened – no weird air or tension. Lots of laughs. Comfortable. Effortless. -sigh- Then he asks how my parents doing. Ironically…at that very moment…turns out…

My parents were in a meeting for getting a divorce. Yep, I’m serious. My mom told me indirectly after work – not “hey we had a meeting today bc this is happening,” but just about how things got ugly and they were bickering. It’s a mixture of emotions – relief and heartache at the same time. They’ve both been unhappy for a while, so no surprise. I know this isn’t a big deal bc plenty of people have had their parents split up, but usually when they’re little and don’t know what’s going on. I’ve heard it’s worse when you’re older bc you actually understand the underlying feelings and feel pressure to side. Ugh…that’s a whole nother post. Don’t feel like crying right now, and I need to read stuff for work (after Catfish goes off!)

Thank you for all of the well wishes! You’re gorgeous – all of you 🙂

Today’s my 27th birthday

As usual, it’s time for a bit of reflection. Every year I try to make it a point to have some sort of milestone or “big thing accomplished.” When I was 24, I bought my house. When I was 25, I finished grad school. Neither of these things are necessarily age-specific or age-related, but still things I should be proud of I guess.

So I just finished my 26th year and what do I have to show for it? What spectacular thing happened that I will one day look back on and be proud of? I learned to walk away. This year was pretty shitty. I hated my old job, was getting screwed over, and had no business being there – I deserved so much more for all of the hard work I put in, and instead was held back. Then there was my “love life.” A relationship I put more into than I care to admit…we planned on getting ma for God’s sake. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. Bottom line, things somehow got shitty.

I walked away from both this year. It really, really wasn’t hard to walk away from the crappy job. But I can honestly say that walking away from him is still the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not everyone has the balls to walk away from a crapy situation – it takes real strength and it takes practice. Look around you – how many people do you see stuck in relationships that are beyond over? Or they deserve better? Or people stuck in jobs? Or wasted talent? Or just settling in general? A lot, I know. I’ll admit, I stayed in some relationships longer than I should’ve. But I was younger and not as “wise.” So I’m proud to say that at the age of 27, I finally got it right.

I’m not saying you should just throw your hands up when anything little arises, and use the excuse of “this is enough, I refuse to settle.” But I’ve learned that it’s important to 1. Be able to recognize when your efforts aren’t being returned and you’re getting screwed over, and 2. Actively doing something about it. Obviously the second part is the hardest, but I know plenty of people that aren’t even capable of the first – they make excuses instead.

Well now what? Now that I’ve learned to walk away, the next question is…Where am I walking to? lol I’ve got this clean slate to start over with and I need to decide what to do with it. I’ll admit, I just had a cliche tearfest because I am NOWHERE near where I had planned on being, or deserve to be for that matter. Ever since I was 16, I decided that by 27 I’d already be married and about to have a baby. My mom had me when she was 29 and my parents had been married for 3 years prior. YES, YES, I know – it’s not realistic to have such a deadline on such things, that’s not the way life works, you can’t measure your life by your mom’s, times are different now, it’s pathetic to cry over your birthday being a reminder of what you haven’t done. I know all of this. But it’s not so much about the timing – it’s more about the fact that I’ve worked so hard to achieve the things I want, that there’s no good reason they haven’t happened yet. Yes, I know the world works at its own pace and you have to let some things happen and can’t plan every second of your life. But shit not paying off…sucks. A lot.

And as I’ve said plenty of times before – the fact that I’m single and probably will never get married does not bother me…at all, I swear. Yeah, it’s what I’ve always wanted, but my years of wisdom have shown me that it’s not for everyone, you haven’t failed if you don’t do it, and actually…you’re probably better off if you don’t because most marriages don’t work and it’s better to be alone than dealing with a crazy situation. But here’s the thing that’s been bothering me lately: I think I’m dodging something that I’m actually cut out for. This keeps coming up in heart-to hearts with a close friend. We constantly battle because I tell him I’m a jaded bitch who has given up on relationships not because I’m a quitter, but because all of my experiences and everyone around me has shown that I’m better off alone, and more people would realize the same thing if they used their heads but most don’t because they’re scared to be alone. And he always replies (because he knows me better than anyone else): I can talk crap all I want to, but he knows I’m a nurturing person who enjoys being in relationships and is awesome at them; and then he spends 20 minutes trying to convince me that I just need to try again, and take a leap of faith – after all, I can’t expect perfect or assume the relationship will fail; and my “favorite” part – I just need to find someone as willing to work at the relationship as I am. HA. And he tells me that I have nothing left to lose since I’ve already hit rock bottom, I can’t get hurt any more, it can only get better. hahahahaha Hilarious.

The point is that out of all of that garbage and feeble attempts at proving me wrong (not gonna happen, EVER), he is sadly correct about one thing – I’m awesome at relationships, and “all of this” is being wasted. “If you’re so good at them, then why have all of your past ones failed?” Yeah, well…just because I treat someone well doesn’t mean that they are smart enough to appreciate it, it’s enough for them, or that the timing is right (people can just be at different phases of their lives). It comes down to what’s between two people – there isn’t one man on this planet that’s so nice that every woman placed with him would make a perfect couple. But I do know this – I feel like I’m cut out for it – the whole white picket fence and 2.5 kids thing. But not in a Stepford Wives/barefoot and pregnant way, I still rock a career. I mean, I already do all of the things you’re “supposed” to do; the things girls prep for in setting to go out husband-hunting. Going to the gym, making sure their hair and nails are done, cooking, cleaning, nurturing/being able to do the baby thing, managing household finances, entertaining, picking out gifts, planning trips, etc. I do all of these things for myself! I’ve got them down lol Minus the baby thing, but I think my dogs have given me a leg up.

That’s just been popping up in my head over the past two months or so – also why I’ve been blogging m.i.a., because I’ve been busy throwing myself into every hobby possible: collecting millions of recipes, trying out said recipes, doing crafts, finally decorating my house after 2 years, and mastering household cleaning tricks that you think only moms know. (it’s important to note that most of this is of course fueled by Pinterest, with a lot of HGTV thrown in; I’m proud that I actually turned simply pinning things into really doing them). I’m slightly ashamed of all of this because these are 45-year-old mom things. For instance: my gift from my mom was super-foodie fancy cookware (instead of like a cool purse or VS gift card, who am I?), and I took a few craft classes with her (she’s pumped that I’m into it and got me a sewing machine; I mean, I turned my guest bedroom into a craft room). UGH. Between the Crockpot and the sewing machine, please someone just get me some mom jeans and the soccer van, I mean really.

I’m sort of kidding, but I just keep thinking that I’ve got all of this stuff down and it’s a shame no one benefits from it. Ok, yeah I enjoy my house and have to eat to live, but cooking good food…you kinda want to share it with someone; like give someone something to look forward to; some fulfillment comes from knowing someone has been looking forward to you making their favorite for dinner, or you can’t wait to try out a new recipe because you found it and immediately knew that they’d love it, and then it’s awesome when you see that they love it. Or getting to plan a dinner party – being the cute couple to host it, even though you do most of the work, but it’s fun to plan drink recipes, themes, and desserts, and spreading everything out in a nice presentation on pretty platters, and you send him to the store to get wine, and he even offers to help set up or clean up, and you all sit around playing a board game…And the shared experience of buying baby stuff and seeing how excited he is to try to be a good dad…You see?!?! I’m pathetic. I guess it’s normal to want all of that. It just sucks that all of that is “in me” and I don’t have anyone looking in the same direction. Yes, it’s fun to do it on my own, but some things are better shared. So for me to a) likely never have that, b) have worked towards it and planned it already with someone, and c) try to sit here and pretend that I no longer want it…sucks.

Ok, this has been the longest, saddest post ever hahaha All in all, I know everything happens for a reason…but I can’t help but ponder: Should I just be ballsy and set out for my 27th year goal to “get back out there”? I mean, it only seems right – now that I’ve walked away from bad situations, and since this is something I really want, then I should shift my focus to getting in the mindset of being open again? Or go all out and try online dating? Not in a “this is it, this has to work” desperate way, but just as a first step to at least expose myself to potentially getting that dream? Eww, gross…nevermind. I feel like even considering this goes against my independent personality, everything I have been taught and stand for lol But I guess it’s ok to be independent and still wanting to have someone…I just feel like wanting this is “needy”…and it’s not something I need to feel complete at all…just something that I wouldn’t hate. Bah…the adventures continue…

On Turning 30

In 3 years and 3 months, I’ll be 30 years old.

 

I’m nowhere near being married or having kids – I should be freaking out over this, right?

 

But I’m not. I keep seeing some quote about your twenties being your “selfish” years – which is really true but I think most people take that for granted and throw it away. They end up divorced by 29, or married by 24 with a few kids and they’re left sitting and wishing that they had more time to “do it up” or live out some dream.

 

So I’m trying to focus on that and not the big scary number looming over my head. After all, I haven’t done all that bad – I bought my house when I was 24 and finished grad school when I was 25. Although I despise it, I have a decent job. I’ve managed to avoid having unexpected kids as well as getting married too early to the wrong guy. All good things, I’d say.

 

I’m not saying that if these things have happened to you, then that makes you a bad person…not at all. I believe everything happens for a reason, and as long as you’re happy with your life, then awesome. To each his own! Some people sought out being married by 24 – good for you. As long as you don’t regret it.

 

The point is that 30 is a big milestone – we’ve talked about this a few times at work lately: a college intern inspired all of us, his elders, as he told us about his already successful company; and our manager just turned 31 and mentioned that she was supposed to have accomplished so much more by now.

 

Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking about doing something “big” – like I need some symbolic, significant feat to accomplish. After all, I have something to stamp on 24 and 25. For some reason, running a marathon kept popping into my head. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fitness nut and have always been an athlete; I’m always looking for a new activity to try and challenge my body. But “marathon” to me is a 4-letter word. I ran track for 10 years, but running anything over 400 meters is just torture. Yeah, I’ll go out for a run to clear my head or do intervals on the treadmill, but I’ve never EVER said “wow, that 10 miles felt great!” It’s just crazy to me. I prefer speed not distance. So I truly admire those who can run such distances as 13 or 26 miles…

 

It seems like so many people I know choose doing a marathon as a big goal in their lives – to jumpstart a new fitness regimen, lose weight, or running for a worthwhile charity. I mean it is a big thing – you can’t just wake up one day and decide to do it – it takes months of training. Which I love…just not when it ends with running miles on end.

 

Scrapping that, and given the fact that I HATE my job and have been looking for a way out, I’ve been left with 2 things: moving to a new city and starting over (which was largely prompted by my heart being broken, but the job thing too), and becoming a millionaire by the age of 30 (cliche, I know). I’ve kinda been on the fence about the whole moving thing lately – yeah, I still want to do it, but getting a job 1,000 miles away has proved to be nearly impossible. So still a goal I’m working towards, just on the backburner. So then I thought, hey – what can I do, here and now? Something I can work on right where I am with what I’ve been given – something that won’t require a drastic move but is still moving me towards my ultimate goal of getting out of the corporate world and into my dream career of health & fitness. Due to market research, it’s not really feasible for me to open a gym in this area; but what I can do, something that’s universal and would be a perfect complement to my gym venture…is food. My inner nutritionist coming out, I thought up an amazing health food idea. Can’t share the deets because someone will steal it. I’m pretty proud of myself because I’m not really creative, and I’m often left saying “wow, why didn’t I think of that?” I think this is one of those things – it seems like something that people across the country would gravitate toward. I really think I could do it. And I’d get to use my business background too. I started today by asking my dad how to go about getting patents (since he’s a science geek and actually has some of his own). The only problem is getting funding. Bah, can’t I have a sugar daddy just throw me like $20,000 seed money to get this off the ground? I gotta get this thing going if I plan on being a millionaire by 30. Three solid years – I think that’s a decent timeframe to make this work. Time to hustle.

 

I just keep envisioning myself getting the business to a stable point where I can finally quit my job. *sighs* So beautiful. Telling everyone to KMA?! Even if it’s just in my head, that will give me SUCH wonderful satisfaction – I don’t need you nor do I have to put up with your shit anymore. Yes, let that be my motivation – not the money, or potential fame (ha) – but telling the corporate world “peace out” forever. That is what I need to keep my eyes on. I’ve never ever wanted to be my own boss or have my own business, but if it’s my way out of the corporate world, I’ll do what it takes. Which should actually be more fun than work since it’s working on something I actually love and am passionate about.

 

So that’s it – my plans for the next few years. To make the most of my twenties so I don’t look back and regret anything. If love/marriage/kids happen to wedge their way in there along the way…I wouldn’t hate it. But they’re nowhere on my list and I’m ok with that. Yeah, I want them, always have…but they’re not something I’m going to “work towards” – I think those things work out best when you let them happen instead of forcing them. Seeking out love often results in disappointment and frustration – always happens to me when I’m not looking. But when I try to date (like this past month) and put myself out there, I get hit with losers that initially seemed great. Even if I go in with no expectations, it always sucks when things don’t work out. I don’t have time to be bogged down with that if I’m trying to do big things over here! No, I’m not some career woman that doesn’t have time for love – a good man, I will make time for; having my energy and inspiration zapped by some loser when it should be going towards my dreams – zero time for that. Which is why I focus on tasks at hand and if someone is bold enough to step up, make me see they’re worth my time, and happen to support my goals? Well, then…that’s cool.

 

I’ve rambled enough and will leave you with some awesome inspirational graphics, a.k.a. my mantras I keep repeating and can be seen as my iPhone wallpaper rotation.

 

The Princess Frog?! One of my top 3 fav movies & I find it relatable – not even sorry.

New Year’s Resolutions

Oh, hi – it’s the first day of September. There are suddenly four months left in the year. Where did the time go? I don’t know, but it seems like we were all just ringing in 2012 and being all optimistic and setting lofty goals. How did you do with yours? Did it get dropped after three weeks? If so, there’s still time, right? Even if it’s not for all of 2012, at least it’s good to make positive lifestyle changes at any time.

Ok, enough of the Suzy Sunshine, but it is true. I’m happy to say that I accomplished most, but not all of my resolutions. At least I knocked the big ones off my list. And then at the end of May, I set another goal: that by the end of August, I’d have a new job in Atlanta, and move 1500 miles away to start a new life, pursue my dreams, and most importantly, forget about a certain someone breaking my heart. Yesterday…that deadline came and went. So sad. haha I should pat myself on the back for at least making the effort and trying to make things happen, but I feel kinda eh about it. Again, it’s not too late, but it really does suck that it didn’t happen after I thought I allowed a reasonable timeline.

Maybe there’s a good reason. It doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen – maybe now just wasn’t a good time. I’m a big believer in the whole everything happens for a reason thing. Yeah, it sucks, but it is what it is. And usually when you get to where you want to be, you’re able to look back and say “ohh, that’s why I was miserable for all those months.”

And you know what? Even though the past eight months have brought me heartache, pain, disappointment, stress, anger, and loss of faith in, well, people; I gotta believe it all happened for a good reason. The whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing (man, could I break out any more cliche sayings? And yes, I’m singing Kelly Clarkson in my head) With love: now that I’ve dealt with the WORST, I figure anything that any other guy could throw at me will be a walk in the park. With work: now that I’ve seen how shitty the corporate world is and how it works, and have had terrible experiences…at least now it’s clear and confirmed for me that I really need to pursue my dreams and get out because it’s not the place for me.

See? Silver lining. And I’d been meaning to blog about it, but until Thursday, I’d been on a super wave of positivity. A lot of things going well despite not everything being where I want it to be/where it should be. With love: I put myself back out there as much as I didn’t want to, and have met some good people/reconnected with others. No, nothing to write home about or make me change my stance on marriage/relationships, but it has managed to make me forget about ol what’s-his-name. I can’t say that the pain is completely gone, but at least I’m over it…in the sense that it doesn’t really upset me anymore/it’s become second nature to not think about him like that. So kinda mourning the loss of a key person in your life, but minus the sting of the situation & what was said. And then with work: yes, I still DREAD going in every day, and I still feel myself wanting to scream and run away from my desk from working with crappy people/the realization that I’m underpaid and more qualified and should be elsewhere…but I’ve done a great job at faking it. I mean great – laughing and joking with everyone, acting like I want to be there and going the extra mile, etc. So I asked myself the other day: wait…you’re not actually starting to like this, are you?!?! The answer was a firm hellll no. But what I have liked and done is three things: 1) Remind myself that it is a job, and without it, I couldn’t have all the things I love (like my house and gadgets); and I should be grateful to have one. 2) Remind myself that I’m kind of a boss, and even when I’m thrown into a situation that I’m not prepared for and completely despise, I make the most of it and work hard anyways. I don’t know how to not work hard – that’s what I do. I completely hate what I do, and it’s not what I went to school for, but I’ve still made an effort to learn and do well. Because I never want to be that girl that people label as lazy or unreliable. When someone asks me to do something, in my head I roll my eyes, say that I really don’t have any idea how to do this nor do I care enough to figure it out, and why don’t you ask someone who knows how to do it; I didn’t go to school for this and I’m way underpaid so really you people don’t deserve my efforts – I’m really about to give you the effort that coincides with what you pay me…BUT instead, I politely smile and enthusiastically say “sure, I can do that,” even though it inevitably ends in me stressing out and trying to figure some shit out & getting 3 hours of sleep because I took my laptop home to work on dumb shit. Why? Because that’s all I know. I just work hard even when people don’t deserve my all. WOW, that sounds like most of my relationships…

Anyways, the point is that going on bad dates and putting up with shit at work…I do it because I’ve been making a real effort this year to make the best out of what I have. These are the shitty cards you’ve been dealt; no, it shouldn’t be you; yes, you’ve worked hard to be elsewhere, but darn it, it could be a lot worse. It can only get better, be patient, and dwelling on how shitty it is will NOT make it better. In fact, focusing on the little (teeny) good parts to your day, will make those days a little more bearable. I get annoyed when people say “you’re in charge of your own happiness, happiness is a choice, etc.” But I guess it’s better to say you have control over your outlook and the way you handle things. Yeah, I think all men are trash and I’ve been shown nothing but that…doesn’t mean I can’t hang out with a guy and (try to) let myself have fun and be open to someone proving me wrong.

So what am I going to do the rest of the year to make these months count? Next weekend I’m going to LA for a family reunion (airports, obscene amounts of Southern food, and an event yielding a free t-shirt? I’m in.) October…I have it in my head that some cute guy will take me apple picking (in my cute riding boots/jeans/scarf ensemble) and the Halloween party is at my house this year (I already planned it on a Pinterest board, duh. Best hostess ever) November=Thanksgiving/something else I’ll dream up. December=my 27th birthday (I need to throw a party) and Christmas of course.

Let’s make it good, people.

Soo the date went well

Awesome-fantastic, actually.

It was everything I had hoped for and then some.

It felt so nice to be treated like a princess. (Ugh, gross, I said it.) I forgot what it’s like.

It was just really…comfortable. But kinda first-date nervous at the same time…even though I’ve known him for years. There was just no effort to the conversation. Nothing forced, no awkward pauses or feeling like you needed to fill in some space with words. Simple stuff like having the door opened for me, being helped in and out of a cab, having my hand held…and the cuddling. Oh, the cuddling. Seriously, how did anyone let me go 8 months without that?!

Ahh. I know this all seems basic, but it was just really nice. And fun. And I felt really pretty. I don’t have self-image issues, but it’s not often that I’m all “ooh, girl you look good.” But last night I felt pretty and confident. Oddly enough, as I walked up to his front door, a 7-year-old girl on the sidewalk said “I like your outfit!” and then her little 5-year-old brother chimed in and said, “Yeah, I like your heels!” And I knew it was going to be a good night. I guess between slightly feeling it myself and being reinforced by fashion-savvy children, my confidence shown through or something. Because there was a moment…

Before heading out, we had a drink out on his balcony (nice view of the city skyline at night, hello?!). And he stopped me mid-sentence and said “You look really nice tonight.” There was an odd sincerity to this and he had that look in his eyes when he said it. Of course, awkward me who can’t take a compliment for anything, and also seeing this was a bit serious, and I can’t emotionally handle anything close to that right now, it scares me to death (kinda)…I just laughed it off and “heh, thanks…” But it was still nice to hear, I admit

I won’t go into all of the details (I don’t kiss and tell. ha.), but it was just awesome. Can’t say anything else. Just sitting here smiling. I guess the 2 real takeaways here are 1) How PROUD of myself I am for being open to this. As much as my heart hurts and I’ve been given every reason to hate every man ever, I was able to be…normal. Or as close to it as I’ll ever come haha. But I wasn’t sitting there with an attitude or anything. I let myself enjoy every moment instead of being on my phone the whole time and wishing I could go home; or more importantly, thinking about “him.” The one who shall not be named. I didn’t think about him once. Except for the taxi taking a surprise turn by his apartment and I almost DIED. Because I used to be there every weekend. Lots of good memories there…but not with a person worth those memories anymore. At the risk of sounding like a chick flick, maybe that was a sign for me – closure if you will. Like hey, you’re passing the guy that you held onto for so long, but the guy in the cab with you now is the one making a real effort after he screwed up. So turn your head back to him and hold his hand. (Yes, yes this is a cheesy movie; maybe it was the vodka). Oh yeah, and 2) Some people deserve a second chance. And you don’t always have to make it into some difficult, grand project the second go round. All I know is, if this becomes a “thing” again, or even if it’s really nothing, that’s ok. I’ll just focus on the now. Not what happened before, or what it will or should be…just how cool it feels now. And who knows, maybe if I ride this out, my cold heart can be fixed. I’m basically issuing the world a challenge – see if you can prove me wrong. Because I have no reason to believe in this shit anymore, but I’m not saying it’s impossible. I think it’s only possible if someone is able to step up to the plate and knock my socks off, and that will take quite the man. Because my experiences and standards have brought this little game to a whole new level. So try if you will. Humor me. Not a knight in shining armor type deal. More like a brave streetfighter of love (I mean, knight on a white horse is so done, so cliché romantic; too pretty boy prince that says the right words however cheesy they are. I need more of a UFC fighter – real ballsy, knows what he’s up against, but steps into the cage anyways. Only I would break out this analogy…)

Enough babbling…I will leave you with the few shots I was able to get on my way out the door…

I did a grey version of this!

I HAVE A DATE.

Yes, you read that right. I can’t believe it. I’m excited.

You’d think I would be nervous, but I’m not because it’s with someone I’ve known for 4 years now. And we kinda sorta dated 2 years ago. lol

I dunno, things were never really serious. There was a lot of drama and I said I didn’t want to see him ever again, but I always said I didn’t hate him. Even though things got messed up with bad timing, every time someone tried to console me by saying “he’s a jerk,” I always stood up for him and said that he’s not a bad person, he just did some messed up things. We’ve kept in touch, and the last time I saw him was two months ago.

It’s just always good to hear from him, he’s so sweet. Just a good person to be around. And he’s been asking a few times to hang out over the past month. So I finally said yes to this Saturday night. I’m trying really hard not to think of it as a date, but really just 2 “old friends” catching up. Yes, we’re going to a nice place for dinner, and yes I get to dress up.

OHMYGOD. I think I might be more excited to get dressed up and have a guy open doors for me and take me to a nice dinner. What girl doesn’t love that?! The last time I was taken on a real date was probably…February 2011. Ugh, yes. Sad but true. Usually I don’t need the fancy stuff – I’m a simple girl and prefer to cuddle at home with wine and a movie. But sometimes you gotta be fancy!

You know I already have an outfit picked out lol I haven’t gone so far as to parade around the house in it (yet); a bright coral (fitting) pencil skirt, black dressy tank with sequin detail at the neckline, and those black heels – you know what I mean. Sky high stilettos. Mm hmm. And I have hair and nail appointments on Saturday. This is going to be so fun!

I’m being a complete screeching girl, not even sorry. I mean, given what I’ve been through the past 6-7 months, this is a surprising move. I’m proud of myself for being open to this. And it’s a good “first step” since it’s not a complete stranger with nervousness and awkward moments and trying to impress and being afraid to say the wrong thing. This is comfortable, and putting the date-like aspects aside, it’ll just be good to catch up. Watch, he’ll just say “yeah, I need a kidney” or something. Moment over. lol Only me.

I will obviously report back. Time to go find some new eye makeup tutorial on Youtube of course 🙂

 
P.S. – I still have no desire to be in a relationship, let’s make that clear. This isn’t some “pick up where we left off” thing. Especially since I’ve never been one to let you back in after you’ve shown me the kind of person you are…a.k.a. you blew it, don’t take me for granted. But at the same time…I wouldn’t be mad at some hand holding/cuddling. I’m overdue lol And people change/grow…and deserve second chances. But this is very, very different from the one that destroyed my heart – he showed himself to be a not-so-good person and everyone else has said the same thing; basically he acts like an asshole with no apologies…not that I’m attracted to assholes lol But this guy is a good guy through and through…just made some mistakes. And don’t we all? So if anyone deserves a second chance, it’d be him. Hence this dinner. When the jerk asks to meet up? I ignore the message. See the difference? haha