I set myself up for this.

I had a revelation this weekend, my friends:

I am meant to be single because I have spent the past 26 years setting myself up for it.

After this post/last week’s events, I spent the past couple days doing some serious thinking and had to get myself in check by asking: “Lauren, are you swearing off relationships ONLY because this fool just destroyed/torched/annihilated your heart?” The answer was a resounding no…which triggered a montage of my life happenings over the years that all have a common tie. And I suddenly connected the dots:

  • I went to my senior HIGH SCHOOL PROM…ALONE. just let that marinate for a minute. You read that right. I did it like a boss too – rolled up in there with a blinged out tiara, duh. If I’m going solo, I’m making every effort to be cute – not cute for a date…just me. AND WHAT A SCENE IT WAS: I will never forget it…all of the school administrators, the principal, and the poor teachers who got pulled into volunteering, all lined up along the entrance to the country club…RIGHT where everyone’s limos were dropping them off. So all of the girls stopped, shook hands, introduced their dates, etc. Me? I rolled up in the parking lot in my little Saturn alone…got to the entrance…and upon seeing all of this welcoming committee stuff – had a COMPLETE meltdown. Mascara allll down my face – not even kidding. Hyperventilating crying. It was all too much for me – the strong girl fell apart, and all of the teachers starting patting me on the back and handing me tissues. All of the “it’s ok, dear”s in the world couldn’t help me. Pathetic. But you know what? I didn’t sit home crying because I didn’t have a date. I knew I’d regret it on some level, so I went. Had a shitty time and sat down most of the time, but I went. Alone.
  • I bought my house when I was 24-years-old. Who does that?! Especially alone. The NORMAL thing to do is to wait until you get married – marriage and a new house go hand in hand – it’s symbolic of the life that you are starting together – such a huge purchase/responsibility taken on together, a shared responsibility…where you envision raising your future children together; planning out a nursery and where are all of your family photos are taken. NOT ME. A few years ago I thought: 1. Rates are mad low, yo. Now’s a good time to buy. 2. I refuse to live with my parents but also don’t want to throw away money on rent, and 3. YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING MARRIED ANY TIME SOON, so don’t wait on the dream that likely won’t happen. And what a GREAT choice that was. Because here I am, 26 (and a half), I’ve been single for a year, have no prospects on the horizon, and honestly no longer have a desire to find “the one.” It’d even be different if I had been dating someone for a year or were engaged – I know people in those situations that are buying houses together because it’s going somewhere – they’re making plans. I can’t even say I was an idiot that had been dating a guy for two months and assumed we’d be together in a year, so why not think about a house. Just trying to reiterate how extremely far from being in an actual relationship I was when I bought my house. And you know what? I can’t even tell you how many people said I was nuts. One of the guys that works for the development: “Wait, sooo you’re buying this house…by yourself? And you’re single – like really single? No boyfriend or fiance?” Yes, asshole. I know I’m pathetic, and I’m going against the grain here, and thank you for pointing out how single I am. But it doesn’t bother me, and surprise – women can like…buy houses and stuff. Home purchases don’t solely happen when a woman has a man holding her hand. Grr. I could have punched him. And it’s funny because we had this discussion at work today – a girl refuses to buy a house until she has a significant other to share it with – she and her boyfriend (of a year mind you) are crazy perfect for each other, so I wish they’d stop bullshitting and just do it, get a place, and have perfect babies. You’re making me gag.
  • I had my first kiss/date when I was like 16. LOL not even kidding. I started having crushes on silly little boys when I was in 4th grade, but I was definitely a late bloomer when it came to all of the other stuff. All of my friends were moving a little too fast for me – I remember a game of truth or dare in eighth grade where I got called out for not having “done anything” with a guy. So embarrassing. But I didn’t get it – yeah, I was all about the cute boys, and writing notes, and staying on the phone all night. But everything else made me bashful! haha What a nerd I was – but an age-appropriate one, mind you. I didn’t think my friends were sluts, and clearly I was the one behind the times, but I just thought that stuff was for when you were a little older lol Ugh, I guess my parents did a great job of striking fear into me, er, I mean, teaching me to act my age? Sure. BUT, I don’t regret it at all. Everyone goes through things differently. I was too busy being the awkward band geek/soccer/piano/basketball/track/mock trial/volunteering nerd that I was. Oh and Girl Scouts – can’t forget that I was hustling cookies for 10 years. (Badges like what?) Sure, I was always “popular,” but I always knew I was more reserved. Which is weird because the popular girls are always the ones…doing things. LOL But I was always just cool with all of the guys – some liked me, but I definitely wasn’t “the hot” one, or trying to impress them with my lip gloss or short skirt. I kinda looked at those girls like “Really, boo? You look silly. You’re trying too hard.” I didn’t want to be that girl, like throwing myself at a guy. I still don’t to this day. I don’t try to be noticed – and that is how I set myself up to be single. When it comes to guys, I more or less blend into the background. I HATE being the center of attention with anyone, and I feel awkward when guys approach me. It throws me off because 1. Shouldn’t they be hitting on the bimbo over there? She’s clearly begging for attention. 2. I’m not dangling anything lol Don’t get me wrong – a girl will throw on the freakum dress and feel good wearing it, but I don’t do it for guys. I’ve never understood that – you look silly trying, like you’re trying to dangle bait to get guys’ attention with too much makeup/jewelry/boobs/hair. I think that if you’re really thebomb.com, anyone can see that regardless, and you don’t have to draw attention to yourself. Just sayin. I will say that I’m proud that I was able to “get” guys’ attention then and now just by being a “good girl,” and clearly that’s what they came for because there wasn’t anything else (ahem naughty). Not knocking naughty – time and place for everything LOL And I do notice that I’ve gained a lot of confidence over the past four years and it’s made a huge difference in both the quantity and type of guy I attract. Yeah, guys like a confident girl, but I still don’t get it when they hit on me haha So basically my club/bar outings are something like this: guy sees a confident girl “working” her dress and smiling, he approaches; best friend discloses that I own a house and have a Master’s degree, guy sulks away saying he can’t offer me anything. Or at the gym, people think I’m 16, or have a conversation with me and think I’m going to support them. Trash all around. I can’t. I could say that I’m going to withhold information about myself, but then again – I don’t think I’m the shit/act like it – I make a man feel like a man and don’t throw anything in anyone’s face – that’s not cute and there’s always someone better than you; I shouldn’t be ashamed of anything, I’ve worked hard; they all “say” they want an independent girl  but when it comes down to it, they don’t know what to do with it; I don’t need anyone in my life that hates on me instead of supporting/appreciating me – I’d need someone doing their own thing and not resenting me/trying to take advantage of me. And no, I’m not going to try online dating – again, this isn’t “I can’t find anyone, you just need to look in the right places.” It’s “guys are awful/even the good ones go bad/I like the idea of having a stress free life without someone else’s crap thanksbye.” Call it a defense mechanism, whatev. And no, I’m not depriving some great guy of his chance just because others f’d up/taking their actions out on him – he just missed out. Sorry – it was like a really good sale and everything’s all gone now.
  • I’m an only child – yeah, I play well with others, but for real – I am used to and really enjoy being by myself. I can spend hours, days even, on end just in my house…in my quiet. Having fun. I like hanging out with friends sometimes, but I also like to be alone with my thoughts. Yeah, everyone needs some alone time, but I think I have an elevated tolerance. The weird thing is though…when I look back on some relationships, I often spent EVERY WAKING MOMENT with my boyfriend. I never got tired of them, and when they left for a few hours, I immediately wanted them back and missed them. So you gotta be special if I don’t get tired of you and don’t put my beloved me time before you. All in all – I think my “only child-ness” has cultivated my ability to be single, and maybe even promoted it. That, and my parents (mainly my mom) encouraging me to be Miss Independent and not to rely on anyone. Yes, this clearly wasn’t always the case if I at least dated in the past, and YES, I am well aware that only children get married every day. But I just think now everything is settling – I was given my dating experiences just so I can “say I did,” and to show me what I’m NOT missing out on lol I couldn’t fairly knock it til I tried it, right? Now I know. Some things in life people can’t just tell you about – you have to live them firsthand. So now I know. And unfortunately for my NAGGING parents – they won’t be getting any grandchildren…except the canine variety. Instead of being a cat lady, I have my pups. And I’m ok with that 🙂

Hell hath no fury…

I cried myself to sleep. I woke up crying. And it was pouring rain and I had to go into work early for a 12-hour day with new stuff I don’t know that well.

But you know what? I gave him the middle finger in my head, brushed myself off, and worked like a BOSS. The day went very well. And I came home to find an online clothing order on my doorstep.

I don’t want you anymore. I don’t need you. Today showed how much IDGAF and really shouldn’t be in a relationship – ever. I’m too independent and strong. I am meant to be one of those lonely girls that is career-focused and stays single forever. I’m ok with that.

Now off to the gym…back to study and go into work early again to do it all over…like a boss.