On Turning 30

In 3 years and 3 months, I’ll be 30 years old.

 

I’m nowhere near being married or having kids – I should be freaking out over this, right?

 

But I’m not. I keep seeing some quote about your twenties being your “selfish” years – which is really true but I think most people take that for granted and throw it away. They end up divorced by 29, or married by 24 with a few kids and they’re left sitting and wishing that they had more time to “do it up” or live out some dream.

 

So I’m trying to focus on that and not the big scary number looming over my head. After all, I haven’t done all that bad – I bought my house when I was 24 and finished grad school when I was 25. Although I despise it, I have a decent job. I’ve managed to avoid having unexpected kids as well as getting married too early to the wrong guy. All good things, I’d say.

 

I’m not saying that if these things have happened to you, then that makes you a bad person…not at all. I believe everything happens for a reason, and as long as you’re happy with your life, then awesome. To each his own! Some people sought out being married by 24 – good for you. As long as you don’t regret it.

 

The point is that 30 is a big milestone – we’ve talked about this a few times at work lately: a college intern inspired all of us, his elders, as he told us about his already successful company; and our manager just turned 31 and mentioned that she was supposed to have accomplished so much more by now.

 

Over the past few months, I’ve been thinking about doing something “big” – like I need some symbolic, significant feat to accomplish. After all, I have something to stamp on 24 and 25. For some reason, running a marathon kept popping into my head. Don’t get me wrong, I am a fitness nut and have always been an athlete; I’m always looking for a new activity to try and challenge my body. But “marathon” to me is a 4-letter word. I ran track for 10 years, but running anything over 400 meters is just torture. Yeah, I’ll go out for a run to clear my head or do intervals on the treadmill, but I’ve never EVER said “wow, that 10 miles felt great!” It’s just crazy to me. I prefer speed not distance. So I truly admire those who can run such distances as 13 or 26 miles…

 

It seems like so many people I know choose doing a marathon as a big goal in their lives – to jumpstart a new fitness regimen, lose weight, or running for a worthwhile charity. I mean it is a big thing – you can’t just wake up one day and decide to do it – it takes months of training. Which I love…just not when it ends with running miles on end.

 

Scrapping that, and given the fact that I HATE my job and have been looking for a way out, I’ve been left with 2 things: moving to a new city and starting over (which was largely prompted by my heart being broken, but the job thing too), and becoming a millionaire by the age of 30 (cliche, I know). I’ve kinda been on the fence about the whole moving thing lately – yeah, I still want to do it, but getting a job 1,000 miles away has proved to be nearly impossible. So still a goal I’m working towards, just on the backburner. So then I thought, hey – what can I do, here and now? Something I can work on right where I am with what I’ve been given – something that won’t require a drastic move but is still moving me towards my ultimate goal of getting out of the corporate world and into my dream career of health & fitness. Due to market research, it’s not really feasible for me to open a gym in this area; but what I can do, something that’s universal and would be a perfect complement to my gym venture…is food. My inner nutritionist coming out, I thought up an amazing health food idea. Can’t share the deets because someone will steal it. I’m pretty proud of myself because I’m not really creative, and I’m often left saying “wow, why didn’t I think of that?” I think this is one of those things – it seems like something that people across the country would gravitate toward. I really think I could do it. And I’d get to use my business background too. I started today by asking my dad how to go about getting patents (since he’s a science geek and actually has some of his own). The only problem is getting funding. Bah, can’t I have a sugar daddy just throw me like $20,000 seed money to get this off the ground? I gotta get this thing going if I plan on being a millionaire by 30. Three solid years – I think that’s a decent timeframe to make this work. Time to hustle.

 

I just keep envisioning myself getting the business to a stable point where I can finally quit my job. *sighs* So beautiful. Telling everyone to KMA?! Even if it’s just in my head, that will give me SUCH wonderful satisfaction – I don’t need you nor do I have to put up with your shit anymore. Yes, let that be my motivation – not the money, or potential fame (ha) – but telling the corporate world “peace out” forever. That is what I need to keep my eyes on. I’ve never ever wanted to be my own boss or have my own business, but if it’s my way out of the corporate world, I’ll do what it takes. Which should actually be more fun than work since it’s working on something I actually love and am passionate about.

 

So that’s it – my plans for the next few years. To make the most of my twenties so I don’t look back and regret anything. If love/marriage/kids happen to wedge their way in there along the way…I wouldn’t hate it. But they’re nowhere on my list and I’m ok with that. Yeah, I want them, always have…but they’re not something I’m going to “work towards” – I think those things work out best when you let them happen instead of forcing them. Seeking out love often results in disappointment and frustration – always happens to me when I’m not looking. But when I try to date (like this past month) and put myself out there, I get hit with losers that initially seemed great. Even if I go in with no expectations, it always sucks when things don’t work out. I don’t have time to be bogged down with that if I’m trying to do big things over here! No, I’m not some career woman that doesn’t have time for love – a good man, I will make time for; having my energy and inspiration zapped by some loser when it should be going towards my dreams – zero time for that. Which is why I focus on tasks at hand and if someone is bold enough to step up, make me see they’re worth my time, and happen to support my goals? Well, then…that’s cool.

 

I’ve rambled enough and will leave you with some awesome inspirational graphics, a.k.a. my mantras I keep repeating and can be seen as my iPhone wallpaper rotation.

 

The Princess Frog?! One of my top 3 fav movies & I find it relatable – not even sorry.

Advertisements

I HAVE A DATE.

Yes, you read that right. I can’t believe it. I’m excited.

You’d think I would be nervous, but I’m not because it’s with someone I’ve known for 4 years now. And we kinda sorta dated 2 years ago. lol

I dunno, things were never really serious. There was a lot of drama and I said I didn’t want to see him ever again, but I always said I didn’t hate him. Even though things got messed up with bad timing, every time someone tried to console me by saying “he’s a jerk,” I always stood up for him and said that he’s not a bad person, he just did some messed up things. We’ve kept in touch, and the last time I saw him was two months ago.

It’s just always good to hear from him, he’s so sweet. Just a good person to be around. And he’s been asking a few times to hang out over the past month. So I finally said yes to this Saturday night. I’m trying really hard not to think of it as a date, but really just 2 “old friends” catching up. Yes, we’re going to a nice place for dinner, and yes I get to dress up.

OHMYGOD. I think I might be more excited to get dressed up and have a guy open doors for me and take me to a nice dinner. What girl doesn’t love that?! The last time I was taken on a real date was probably…February 2011. Ugh, yes. Sad but true. Usually I don’t need the fancy stuff – I’m a simple girl and prefer to cuddle at home with wine and a movie. But sometimes you gotta be fancy!

You know I already have an outfit picked out lol I haven’t gone so far as to parade around the house in it (yet); a bright coral (fitting) pencil skirt, black dressy tank with sequin detail at the neckline, and those black heels – you know what I mean. Sky high stilettos. Mm hmm. And I have hair and nail appointments on Saturday. This is going to be so fun!

I’m being a complete screeching girl, not even sorry. I mean, given what I’ve been through the past 6-7 months, this is a surprising move. I’m proud of myself for being open to this. And it’s a good “first step” since it’s not a complete stranger with nervousness and awkward moments and trying to impress and being afraid to say the wrong thing. This is comfortable, and putting the date-like aspects aside, it’ll just be good to catch up. Watch, he’ll just say “yeah, I need a kidney” or something. Moment over. lol Only me.

I will obviously report back. Time to go find some new eye makeup tutorial on Youtube of course 🙂

 
P.S. – I still have no desire to be in a relationship, let’s make that clear. This isn’t some “pick up where we left off” thing. Especially since I’ve never been one to let you back in after you’ve shown me the kind of person you are…a.k.a. you blew it, don’t take me for granted. But at the same time…I wouldn’t be mad at some hand holding/cuddling. I’m overdue lol And people change/grow…and deserve second chances. But this is very, very different from the one that destroyed my heart – he showed himself to be a not-so-good person and everyone else has said the same thing; basically he acts like an asshole with no apologies…not that I’m attracted to assholes lol But this guy is a good guy through and through…just made some mistakes. And don’t we all? So if anyone deserves a second chance, it’d be him. Hence this dinner. When the jerk asks to meet up? I ignore the message. See the difference? haha

I’m baaaacckk

In case you were worried. Basically, I have my life back now – the exam that I’ve been studying for/bitching about for the past 7 months? Took it on Saturday. Did I pass? Do I care? Am I thrilled to be done? Probs not, no, and YES. Hopefully the outcome will be irrelevant soon since I’m…

Still working on the whole move 800 miles away and live my dream thing. Listen: I am EXTREMELY proud of myself – I’ve been talking about it for so long, but now I’ve actually turned my words into actions. After lots of researching apartments and jobs/salaries/companies, I pulled the trigger on Sunday and applied to a bunch of jobs in Atlanta! I’m so excited. No, nothing is concrete yet, but I really like grabbing life by the…er, taking control of your future and doing things you said you’d never do…in the midst of a quarter-life crisis.

Not to mention that I’m growing less and less fond of new job every day. Yeah, I still like the “challenge” and most of the people are really nice and smart, but there is one asshole I just can’t deal with, and I can’t avoid the interaction, and this is saying a lot because I get along with anyone. Yeah, I make a special effort to get along with him too and act like it for the most part, but it is clear that everyone else thinks he’s an asshole so I don’t feel so bad. Kill em with kindness. And I won’t lie – every time I feel the sharp words rising up inside me to throw a shot back at him, it’s nice to take comfort in the thought: “wow, I am SO glad that soon I won’t have to deal with you anymore!” Clearly, I don’t want to leave because of him (I can go toe to toe, don’t try me; the managers still talk about how I threw some words at him, thankss). But not having to deal with him, working in something more in line with where I should be, getting a pay increase to save up, and duh – Atlanta…all great reasons to peace out. Also, the department has become a bit of a disorganized crapstorm. I’ve only been there for 2.5 months, but soo much has happened and that doesn’t make newcomers feel too comfortable, seeing everything crumbling around you. Good to roll out before I get comfortable / in too deep (like a bad relationship) It may be short-lived, but at least I haven’t had to be miserable in old job for the past few months, and I’ll still count this as a good experience…

So yeah – moving towards living my dream is pretty awesome. Sure, I’ve only taken the first step, but it kinda makes your day a little brighter: “hope” I think they call it. And no, I can’t jump directly into it once I move down there, I’m being realistic – but the beauty is that even in the interim, my life will be a million times better. Just that new start/fresh feeling – I’m looking forward to taking in new surroundings and feeling cleansed of all of the emotional bullshit that old job and a couple of relationships have dropped on me. Not running away from my problems – just embracing newness and all that comes along with it: like my dream job. But not those people/feelings, they don’t get to come along.

On the boy front: I think I have a mutual crush situation happening in my building?! Some new guy. Hot. Tall. Dresses well. HOT. I mean, he initiated conversation with me…twice in the past 6 days. (we caught each other checking the other out; yeah.) No, I don’t know his name, and yes, I will accept an inviation to a romantic dinner. Or just lunch in the caf, whatev. My mother is relieved that I still have a “giddy” pulse, and I guess I even surprised myself – even after the past year’s events, I still have a heart? What, what’s this? It’s such an odd feeling, considering I’ve been dead on the inside for a while. NO, PEOPLE. Let’s all calm down – I still am repulsed by the thought of a relationship/still have the same stance on not wanting to get married. But hey – I still appreciate some eye candy – especially when it’s conveniently placed in my office buliding for daily enjoyment. I like to look…just keep them at arm’s length: You’re hot, and I’m sure you’re a nice guy…but I’m emotionally unavailable, bye!

I love myself.

Also…exes have been coming out of the woodwork this week. “Sorry, I’m caught up in a non-existent, emotion-free relationship with a guy in my office building. I don’t know his name, but it’s pretty serious.”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

For the past two and a half weeks, I’ve been on this crazy inspiration wave.

Not really sure where it’s coming from. And it’s kind of odd to go from “OMG work sucks, my love life sucks, I hate you all” to “Gee wilikers – I want to embrace life and everything in it. All at once. Right now.” I’ve just had this burst of energy.

I thought maybe it was getting a new job after a 10-month search. But not really. Because it’s still not what I want to do. So the fact that it’s not my current job, and the fact that it’s a job after so long, are making me feel good, not great. I should be excited as in I’m looking forward to where I’m going, when really, it’s just I’m THRILLED to be leaving such a crappy place. Ya know? I digress.

I’ve just been having uncharacteristic thoughts in my head that have lead me to serious considerations/research; like more than passing ideas or daydreaming. More like “hell yeah, I’m doing this right now.” Examples?

  • getting into photography – I’m SO far from creative. I can’t paint, draw, act, compose music, write poetry, or mold clay. If you know me IRL, you know that I’m a super logical, by the books, get a safe degree and work your 9-5 kind of person. I’m not artsy at all. So for me to want to suddenly grab a camera, randomly drive to sites, “capture the moment and lighting and feeling,” and edit stuff in Photoshop? Weird.
  • I want to relocate – almost anywhere in the United States. I’ve lived in 3 states my entire life. And each time, my parents were a maximum of 50 miles away. I didn’t go away to school or move away after. I feel like I’m missing out. Like it’s normal for people to move away from their families and visit them on holidays. Not me. Maybe it’s because I’m the only child and am close with my parents; I don’t feel like they’re holding me back, but I’d miss them! So that’s why me wanting to up and move away is crazy. Not to mention that I bought a house on the assumption I’d be living here for at least 5-10 years. I don’t regret it/feel tied down. Again, I’m a planner – the only reason I bought a house was because both my mom and I (and Wells Fargo) thought I was a long-term, stable, never make random decisions kind of person. And I am. I’ve just had this urge lately. No one saw it coming – my bad.
  • wanting to waitress – LOL. I mean, I’d be great at it. I always smile, LOVE talking to random people, do everything with a sense of urgency, and worked in retail/customer service. I can deal with jerks. I always said I wouldn’t work with food, but I kinda want to make some cash on the side (without getting a sugar daddy)
  • owning my own restaurant – friends and family know that I’m anti-owning my own business. It scares me to death. I don’t know how people do it. I need stability. The failure rate for restaurants (and most small businesses) is wayyy too high; which I could handle if it weren’t for the fact that, well – this will make or break you. If there’s trouble, it’s alll you – all of your money (usually). So if the business tanks, you’re screwed. Unless you’re one of those people lucky enough to run a business on the side with just a few thou of play money sitting around in addition to your regular income, I don’t get it. Knowing that my income/livelihood/possibly food and shelter source is tied to something so risky? No, thanks. But I think it’d be fun to run one! And I lovvvee food. (& as much as I hate the corporate world, the whole being your own boss thing is looking REAL good; the only problem is that I’m not smart enough to come up with a profitable idea someone else hasn’t already come up with)
  • hopping on a train to ride up the east coast (for some reason I only think of traditional planes/cars, so trains are all “ooh, fancy” to me)
  • completely dropping out of finance all together and liquidating all of my assets and traveling the world taking pictures / getting married and moving away to start a new life not in the corporate world and not using my degrees/throwing away all of my hard work because I’m not passionate about it

A girl can dream, right?