Yes, I’ve been neglecting my blog for a bit – I’ve been a bad blogger. But I haven’t been tweeting or Facebooking (no, really, I deleted that shit) either for a while.
I’ve pretty much been a shell of myself for the past three weeks…especially over the last week.
And I don’t mean that in a depressing “my life totally sucks” way either. Just…weird. Like in a “please, no one talk to me, leave me alone so I can overanalyze and re-evaluate my life” kind of way. I really, really have just unplugged. Hence the lack of social networking. Especially Facebook because well, my news feed only sent me into a rage for one of two reasons: a) I’m completely over everyone gushing about their new baby/engagement/marriage, or b) seeing something from a certain someone…of the male species…not going to name names.
So I cut it out, and I’m SO glad I did. Not feeling the impulse to check it five times a day only to stumble upon something to ruin my day/fuck with my head and heart…is great. And very healthy I must say. Yeah, yeah – I’m happy for other people, no I’m not jealous, and no I usually don’t let a status update/picture bother me…but shit has gotten real the past few weeks. As in, I’ve lost sleep over things. And that’s no good.
I’ve just been bummed out…I dunno. Not to mention that 99% of my time lately has been devoted to work and studying. I’ve been on my grind so much that I only worked out twice over the past 10 days. GASP, I know. So you know I gotta be doing big things. Especially because last week was Month End at work. Anyone working in Accounting/Finance…you know what that means. Let’s just say I was at work til 9 or 10 pm for a few nights and they ordered us dinner. Yeah. But I loves new job – it’s a challenge and the people are amazing. Coolest boss ever.
But back to the “shell of myself” thing. I can’t quite put my finger on it…Bummed but not sad. New job should be making me happy. But there’s something else. I think 20% of it is still wanting another job/knowing I should, and the other 80% is some unresolved love life stuff. Should I be happy with new job? Yeah. Should I completely forget about that person? YES…but then no. Depends on what day you ask me lol
The thing is that I’m enjoying myself in new job, but I’m uncomfortable because I know I deserve more. So even though I’m proud of myself for getting out of my old job, I know I deserve more. Accepting this job as “great” would definitely be settling. And by deserving more, I don’t mean some senior job paying big bucks – it takes time to get there. I was overqualified for my old job, but this job makes me work…which is good, but I still know where I should be, and this isn’t it. So while something is eating away at me saying “you need better,” I’m trying to use my brain/logic and say “it’s ok and it’s temporary – it’s an experience at least. So shut up and keep it moving.”
As for the “love life” part…FML. F-M-L. It’s exhausting. It’s all I ever think about. I probably think about it too much. (<3 You probably know that…and you probably are too if I know you at all.) The sad part is that I’ve been able to justify everything…logically. Because I can put myself in the same position/take into consideration what I know about him. As much as I should pat myself on the back for being understanding, I can’t help but have this nagging guilt that I’m TOO understanding. So then I launch into the times when he was understanding…and justify it. The good thing is that I literally haven’t discussed this with anyone…not even my mom. Mainly because I don’t want to hear the negative opinions…but you can’t blame people for that if they only have limited knowledge of the story. That’s why I’ve realized it’s good to mull this over with me myself and I – because the three of us know the deal lol (I don’t talk to myself, I swear)
In the past, when I did discuss this with anyone, all I got was “you deserve better, you’re being stupid, blah blah blah.” And you get tired of hearing that. It brings you down and it hurts. Especially someone like me – I pride myself on knowing stuff, well, more like being a resource and being prepared. People always assume I know stuff haha So to do something stupid…I feel like I let people down…especially myself. So I think that’s part of why I haven’t talked to anyone about him for a while. I know you’re thinking “the truth hurts and you don’t want to hear it.” I dunno. I’m a pretty realistic person. Yeah, I dream and get emotional (rarely), but I tend to make decisions based on logic and reason. So that’s where you run into a problem – do you not want to hear others’ opinions out of fear of possibly hearing what you know will be the truth, or fear of hearing people give you their version of the truth based on emotion and half the story but they try to pass it off as logic to you? I think I’ve been beating myself up over this. Because even though I made the (wise) decision not to discuss him with peers, I can still hear all of the nagging in my head…and it makes me feel guilty still! How ironic…
So what it really comes down to is whether or not I, myself, feel like I’m doing the right thing. And I think I can answer that question – just the simple fact that I still smile like an idiot when I think of him…in a past and future sense…says A LOT. Because if you know me IRL, there are few men…ok maybe 1…that I’ve dated and still think highly of. The rest…well…I’m a little too good at cutting people off. So the fact that he still makes my heart smile, when I could easily (very very easily) go down a list of everything he’s done wrong and reasons why I should’ve walked away a long time ago…says a lot. I know I say that often, but it’s insane to me. Any person doing that, but especially me with my track record. You cross me, we’re done, no second chances. With him…I’m able to admit my own wrongs and find -gulp-…forgiveness. This, this is why I’ve felt “uneasy and empty” the past few weeks – because I hate that someone is capable of making me feel like this. Completely contrary to me and all of my beliefs. Everything I’ve ever said or done. So I’ve either lost my shit…or just love him. So you can see why I’m not in a rush to discuss this with anyone – I don’t want the dirty looks anymore…I’m trying to be a big girl and go with my gut.
In conclusion, it’s clear that the core of my personality is not being willing to settle, be it a job or a man. A lot of people are ok with settling, knowing that they are, or they instead try to convince themselves that it’s not settling but just accepting what life brings them/it takes too much energy to change it and are lazy. Or that fate is at work so just let it have its way (ahem lazy). While I believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes you gotta man up. So I know there’s a reason I’m in this job. And I know there’s a reason I haven’t cut this man. But am I settling? (not that I want anyone else, duh) Could I be learning a roundabout lesson? Sure. But I know this – I’m not like many people in the sense that I’ll just let “fate” work day over day – that’s how you wake up 90 years old like WTF happened? I’m not impatient, but you have to know when enough is enough. So that’s what I’m working on now. Kinda early to pull the trigger on new job. But him? Four days out of the week, I make the firm decision to never speak to him again…then I get all girly and understanding. But I know me and that will only last but so long…so that’s what I’ll be working on (in my head) as a priority…time…not like I’m afraid of making a mistake. Although I should be fearful of cutting something off only to find out later that it was a mistake…I think I’m at the point where that’s not possible. Because I believe that if you walk away from someone…but you “shouldn’t” have…then things still work out even when it really seemed like they wouldn’t, ya know? So I don’t think it’s possible to truly walk away from the right thing permanently…I’ve learned that life has a way of tapping you on the shoulder…and hitting you over the head when you try to ignore the tap or missed it because you were too busy plotting your next move. So yeah…I’m not afraid to walk away…I can do so confidently with comfort knowing that if it was a “mistake,” shit will come around when it’s supposed to – you just won’t see it coming. But that’s good because a) sometimes you screw things up when you see them coming and try to prepare, or b) if you look at things this way, you don’t have to have your days ruined by the guilt of “geez, did I do the right thing?!” So maybe that’s my problem – I can roll with “fate” after the fact…but at a turning point like this, you can’t rely on fate or it’s timing – you gotta make some moves. I don’t want it to sound like “fate is cool until you get impatient” LOL But…I dunno…you gotta use your head and re-evaluate like “ok…it’s been a while and I’m still here…maybe fate is telling me it’s time to make moves so get off your ass instead of waiting on me.” So it can be like an action or lack of action thing. I guess that’s my point – even though everything happens for a reason, Fate isn’t the driver – you’re co-pilots lol You gotta work with fate instead of sitting back and letting it drag you through life? I’m just not comfortable with the idea that someone or something is in complete control of my life – then I’m just a doll haha I kill myself.
Sooo my emo post pretty much turned into a “What is the meaning of life?” chat. baha. That’s what you get when I don’t blog for a while. At least I feel a little better. While I’m still going to get annoyed when people text me (no, I don’t want to date you; no, we’re not dating; don’t you have a job/realize I have one?; stop being needy; Mom/Dad you’re annoying…everyone please go away), I have to keep in mind that while I’m waiting on fate/plotting my next job or love life move, I can at least be happy…or fake it with a good attitude. I think that’s why I get annoyed at the texts/try to unplug – because people force me to fake happiness when I’m sad on the inside or make me discuss people/things that I don’t want to talk about and instead just over-think them to myself quietly. Ex. Yesterday – I didn’t even leave the house. Friday/Sat nights? I forced myself to have fun but had that nagging feeling of “omg, I’m not happy, faking it is taking too much energy right now, and I feel guilty for not studying right now; at least I’m distracting myself from missing him and not with someone that makes me discuss my feelings).
Yes, I’m a hot mess.