meh

nothing going on…spent the past few days dealing with some old feelings (thanks to someone reaching out to me; there’s a reason I’ve been ignoring you for 3 months). I don’t think we need to elaborate on who that was or why…quite frankly I’m drained from thinking about it. Emotionally drained, have been for years…blech.

 

Work…meh. Every day is just reinforcement of the fact that I never want to be a manager – I don’t know why people do it – I’m in charge of making sure that someone else doesn’t screw up, holding their hand, and listening to them whine? All while making sure that my own work is done? Sounds like raising a child, no thanks. We’re all adults here. Ugh, so annoying. I’m responsible but I didn’t sign up for this. I already don’t want to be there, so leave me in peace at my desk, don’t have 2 people up my ass all day long.

 

Still working on the moving 800 miles away and starting over thing…no news there. All I know is, it better come soon – between hearing from him, people at work, and something else I can’t put my finger on…I definitely need this asap. And I’m beginning to realize that I really must want this deep down in my heart because I’m still motivated and this feeling won’t go away. It’s not like a lot of things where you get all revved up and excited but then the buzz kinda fades away…kinda like all of those recipes you’re “going to make” on Pinterest.

 

I’m going to sleep now…before 10pm. Not even sorry.

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All I want right now:

  • for someone to bring me unlimited amounts of iced coffee on demand – I just ran out, need to study more, have a taste for it, and don’t feel like driving to get it
  • to not have to study anymore
  • to quit my job (no matter where I go, the corporate world is NOT pretty and I’m over it – it’s not a necessary evil; there are other things in life and I need to get there asap; I liked new job bc it isn’t old job, but now I’m realizing that it’s still corporate bs)
  • to travel the world
  • …so basically, those 3 are possible if (WHEN) I win the Powerball tonight.
  • to go to the gym again – I went this morning, tried some new moves, and am addicted. That’s my idea of fun (??) And I’ve always feared/hated pull-ups. Now I’m hooked because they’re giving me the arms I’ve always wanted and everyone keeps complimenting me – I don’t hate it.
  • …no really, this is a big deal – ten years of track and zero definition in my arms until this year – they were always just there and blah. lol
  • to have a job that requires me to walk around in spandex all day…my dream. I just want to have my own gym.
  • that if I still have to have a finance job, at least make it one that has me in a different city every week (are you noticing the pattern – I just need to gtfoh? yep.)
  • to let go of my anger towards him/relationships in general. it’s eating away at me and really not cute.
  • …actually, people in general are annoying me lately – oh, look at that, I just ignored a call lmao I just want to be left alone – I just have a lot of resentment/have lost faith in people, and kinda want to be left alone. Just let me be a hermit until I build up enough strength to deal with people’s crap again…
  • 6 days til the Bahamas – I just might not come back. As much as my urge to travel lately has been to go and see what the world has to offer, more and more it’s also to run away from my problems…not that you really can…because I’d be feeling the same stuff no matter what country I’m in – your feelings stay with you even if you’re not seeing certain people. I mean, I haven’t been seeing a lot of people lately, but I still have to deal with the emotions. But taking in new locations can serve as a great distraction, ya know?