Oh, hi – it’s the first day of September. There are suddenly four months left in the year. Where did the time go? I don’t know, but it seems like we were all just ringing in 2012 and being all optimistic and setting lofty goals. How did you do with yours? Did it get dropped after three weeks? If so, there’s still time, right? Even if it’s not for all of 2012, at least it’s good to make positive lifestyle changes at any time.
Ok, enough of the Suzy Sunshine, but it is true. I’m happy to say that I accomplished most, but not all of my resolutions. At least I knocked the big ones off my list. And then at the end of May, I set another goal: that by the end of August, I’d have a new job in Atlanta, and move 1500 miles away to start a new life, pursue my dreams, and most importantly, forget about a certain someone breaking my heart. Yesterday…that deadline came and went. So sad. haha I should pat myself on the back for at least making the effort and trying to make things happen, but I feel kinda eh about it. Again, it’s not too late, but it really does suck that it didn’t happen after I thought I allowed a reasonable timeline.
Maybe there’s a good reason. It doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen – maybe now just wasn’t a good time. I’m a big believer in the whole everything happens for a reason thing. Yeah, it sucks, but it is what it is. And usually when you get to where you want to be, you’re able to look back and say “ohh, that’s why I was miserable for all those months.”
And you know what? Even though the past eight months have brought me heartache, pain, disappointment, stress, anger, and loss of faith in, well, people; I gotta believe it all happened for a good reason. The whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” thing (man, could I break out any more cliche sayings? And yes, I’m singing Kelly Clarkson in my head) With love: now that I’ve dealt with the WORST, I figure anything that any other guy could throw at me will be a walk in the park. With work: now that I’ve seen how shitty the corporate world is and how it works, and have had terrible experiences…at least now it’s clear and confirmed for me that I really need to pursue my dreams and get out because it’s not the place for me.
See? Silver lining. And I’d been meaning to blog about it, but until Thursday, I’d been on a super wave of positivity. A lot of things going well despite not everything being where I want it to be/where it should be. With love: I put myself back out there as much as I didn’t want to, and have met some good people/reconnected with others. No, nothing to write home about or make me change my stance on marriage/relationships, but it has managed to make me forget about ol what’s-his-name. I can’t say that the pain is completely gone, but at least I’m over it…in the sense that it doesn’t really upset me anymore/it’s become second nature to not think about him like that. So kinda mourning the loss of a key person in your life, but minus the sting of the situation & what was said. And then with work: yes, I still DREAD going in every day, and I still feel myself wanting to scream and run away from my desk from working with crappy people/the realization that I’m underpaid and more qualified and should be elsewhere…but I’ve done a great job at faking it. I mean great – laughing and joking with everyone, acting like I want to be there and going the extra mile, etc. So I asked myself the other day: wait…you’re not actually starting to like this, are you?!?! The answer was a firm hellll no. But what I have liked and done is three things: 1) Remind myself that it is a job, and without it, I couldn’t have all the things I love (like my house and gadgets); and I should be grateful to have one. 2) Remind myself that I’m kind of a boss, and even when I’m thrown into a situation that I’m not prepared for and completely despise, I make the most of it and work hard anyways. I don’t know how to not work hard – that’s what I do. I completely hate what I do, and it’s not what I went to school for, but I’ve still made an effort to learn and do well. Because I never want to be that girl that people label as lazy or unreliable. When someone asks me to do something, in my head I roll my eyes, say that I really don’t have any idea how to do this nor do I care enough to figure it out, and why don’t you ask someone who knows how to do it; I didn’t go to school for this and I’m way underpaid so really you people don’t deserve my efforts – I’m really about to give you the effort that coincides with what you pay me…BUT instead, I politely smile and enthusiastically say “sure, I can do that,” even though it inevitably ends in me stressing out and trying to figure some shit out & getting 3 hours of sleep because I took my laptop home to work on dumb shit. Why? Because that’s all I know. I just work hard even when people don’t deserve my all. WOW, that sounds like most of my relationships…
Anyways, the point is that going on bad dates and putting up with shit at work…I do it because I’ve been making a real effort this year to make the best out of what I have. These are the shitty cards you’ve been dealt; no, it shouldn’t be you; yes, you’ve worked hard to be elsewhere, but darn it, it could be a lot worse. It can only get better, be patient, and dwelling on how shitty it is will NOT make it better. In fact, focusing on the little (teeny) good parts to your day, will make those days a little more bearable. I get annoyed when people say “you’re in charge of your own happiness, happiness is a choice, etc.” But I guess it’s better to say you have control over your outlook and the way you handle things. Yeah, I think all men are trash and I’ve been shown nothing but that…doesn’t mean I can’t hang out with a guy and (try to) let myself have fun and be open to someone proving me wrong.
So what am I going to do the rest of the year to make these months count? Next weekend I’m going to LA for a family reunion (airports, obscene amounts of Southern food, and an event yielding a free t-shirt? I’m in.) October…I have it in my head that some cute guy will take me apple picking (in my cute riding boots/jeans/scarf ensemble) and the Halloween party is at my house this year (I already planned it on a Pinterest board, duh. Best hostess ever) November=Thanksgiving/something else I’ll dream up. December=my 27th birthday (I need to throw a party) and Christmas of course.
Let’s make it good, people.