Notice I said true – over the years, I’ve become a PRO at pretending to be happy in awful jobs and relationships past their expiration dates.
But 2 key events have led me to this conclusion this week:
1) Monday, my manager asked me something health & fitness related, and mid-sentence she stopped me and said “Wow, your eyes just lit up right now – I’ve never seen you this excited about anything, you must really love this stuff. Why aren’t you working in health & fitness?!” So then I told her that I was actually accepted into a really good Nutrition program 3 years ago, but my mom convinced me to stay in Finance for the stability. She kinda made a sad face. I guess you’re supposed to keep telling your boss that Finance/your job is your passion, but whatev. I know not everyone would openly admit to that not being the case, and it’s not like I said “I’d rather be doing that…” Because that would prompt a “well be on your way.” Anyways, just really funny to me that I got called out on it since I make it a point to be super enthusiastic when speaking about anything with her, especially work-related – a girl’s got bills. Just because I hate my job doesn’t mean I’m ok with being without a paycheck lol
2) Going along with that, something huge happened today – apparently that co-worker I don’t like has been telling my manager that I’m miserable and regret ever taking this new job. Accurate? Yes. But who the hell is he to be saying that?? We’re not close AT ALL and I make it a point to watch what I say around the blabber mouth. So how did I find this out today? I guess he made some gesture to her, started laughing, and then she said to me “Do you hear this guy over here? He’s saying he’s convinced that you hate being here. Is that true?! Do you hate being here??” MY HEART SANK into my stomach. She asked me point blank so that everyone could hear, even her bosses. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. All I could manage was to shake my head, laughing it off, and muttering “oh geez, no no” through gritted teeth. OMG it was the worst moment ever. It was like she was staring directly into my soul and could read all of my thoughts. I thought I hid it so well!!!! Even when I’m at my desk on the verge of tears, I make an extra effort to seem like I want to be there and help the team in any way with any task. Lies. All lies. I guess I can’t hide it as well as I thought…or I’m more miserable than I thought.
So there it is – my true motives and desires have been exposed. I feel so vulnerable. It’s kinda been my little secret and I’ve just gotten into the habit of hiding it. It’s just funny to me for both of these events to happen within a few days. Argh. Just more signs and reinforcement that this New Life/Get Your Dream Job thing is not a joke. I gotta make this happen.