So back to the why now/why at all thing…
– I HATE my job; it makes me miserable; I realized long ago that I hate it and finance; but I recently realized that I can actually do something about it now since I don’t have to plan around a spouse/kids; I still have the power now, at the age of 26, to grab hold of my life, follow my dreams and be happy. I no longer have to do what I’m supposed to do, or follow along with some plan that looks good on paper. As cheesy as it sounds, I can be one of those people to follow their heart instad of their head all the time. And there’s no better time than now because I’ll be damned if I wake up 60 years old miserable and listing all of my what-ifs…
– I’ve kinda always “known” that I could up and move, but knowing it and having the courage to do it are 2 different things. I always thought “What? Up and move across the country ALONE? Who does that??” Then I had an epiphany recently…”Uhhh, yeah Lauren – just like buying a house without a spouse – who does THAT? Oh wait, you did, and you did it like a boss, so why the hell can’t you do it again?” Boom. If I manned up to do that, surely I can channel some moxie to make moves and pursue my happiness.
– yeah, that whole super-intense recent heartbreak? I’m channeling lots of energy from that. No, I will never write about it on here (it’d be a novel), but y’all know it was a big deal to make me not want to get married/have kids/swear off men all together. Ok yeah, 5% of it was other people/my views in general, but seriously – what happened is something I will never recover from – it hurt that deeply. Sure, I’ve had guys in the past where I thought I’d “never get over it,” and I did, but they actually pale in comparison to this situation. So trust me when I say that this was a biggie. I’m not doing this in an effort to run away from him or the hurt – that’s something I’ll always have to carry with me wherever I go. But I’m super proud that I’ve learned to turn sadness and tears into positive energy – fuel to your fire as they say. NO, not in a “I’ll show him” kinda way, because really, if you’re over a situation/person, it shouldn’t matter to you that they know what’s going on with you. For me, not only do I never want to see/speak to this person again, but I couldn’t care less if he knows that I’m doing well or poorly. If someone lies and tells him my life is going downhill, great, don’t care, yawn. Also…just because I can have some bratty thoughts: it’s almost better if they don’t hear about you either way – that usually sets a person’s mind spinning and I like that it eats away at certain people when they can’t find out stuff about you. Think about it! lol If you constantly post FB pics of “omg this is me having fun my life is super awesome without you!” they probably know it’s a show and you’re lying. But if they’ve got nothing to go on……..I’m terrible. Ok, tangents, but my point is this – I’m using all of these heavy feelings I’m carrying around as that extra kick in the rear I needed. Kinda weird since the events aren’t related really since I never I have to see him now anyways, but…I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe this – if you can function without the most important person in your life, then uh, moving/getting a new job should be a piece of cake, right?
– finally, with those 2 big things under my belt, my mom has recently started to “find her own voice.” And seeing it warms my heart SO much – she’s spent the past 26 years putting every ounce (I mean every) of her energy into making sure I’m happy/cared for. Usually parents do this until a child is 18 or moves out. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, but to this day my mom constantly worries about me, does things for me, and is always there. I mean always (woo, getting choked up y’all) – every time some stupid boy made me upset, or I broke a nail, or the store sold out of that shirt in pink, or hey I decided to be a flight attendent…not only is she always there, but she’s always enthusiastically there, like she’s going through it too and it’s important. I guess that’s the role of a parent, but I know a lot of parents that will dismiss it. Yeah, sometimes she’ll tell me to stop being silly, or make sure I think things through, but she’s always there to answer a call/listen to me talk in circles for hours. It blows my mind. And I get random texts: “Did you eat? Do you need groceries? I’m bringing groceries over. Here’s a Disney dvd.” Not even kidding. She definitely doesn’t baby me – she’s MADE SURE that I’m an independent, strong woman who takes care of herself. But it’s still nice to feel so loved, and it BLOWS my mind to the extent that she still does. It’s one thing to take a call to let me vent about someone at work, but another for her to make sure she gets a new Disney dvd…for her 26-year-old daughter. (not even sry btw) Most parents get you to 18, wash their hands like “I did my job – you’re on your own now, sport.” Some might lend you money when you need it, but most won’t support your new idea or even let you move back home to get back on your feet for fear of enabling. I dunno, I just think she’s Supermom compared to a lot of people; I don’t think I’m biased either – a lot of people are like “wow, your parents do that for you?” Everyone else sees the crazy too lol But all in all, I adore my mom, and for her to decide over the past few months and verbally declare that “this is her time now – now that she knows I’m ok and settled, she can live for herself” – warms my heart. A little mid-life crisis-like and I’m hoping the extent of “daring” is a 1-inch tattoo, but I couldn’t be happier. I’m close to my parents and LOVE LOVE LOVE being 10 miles from them. I don’t want to say I felt “obligated” or they’ve been keeping me here in some way like I was scared to leave them…but I’d miss them! wahh lol But now I think it’s coming together – things happening in my life, and my mom “starting” hers – maybe without me physically around, it’ll somehow give her “freedom”? Of course she’ll worry more when she can’t get to me in 10 minutes, and doesn’t know what’s going on with me 800 miles away, but I think this will be good. I don’t feel like a burden, but with me out of sight, maybe it’ll be good since she can’t pop over a few times a week to check on me – she can still visit though!
– I might’ve mentioned this before, but a friend already lives in new city and he loves it; he, myself, and a mutual friend have been toying around with this master plan for a little while. The thing is that this city was really a lot lower on my list of potential cities, but since 1) I’m not that picky – any of the cities is well, not here 2) my mom recommended it/wanted me to go to school there 3) it’s a 2 hour drive from our family 4) one of my biggest fears of not knowing anyone is solved – so this city choice shot to the top of my list when I realized that I wouldn’t have to be some lonlely girl walking around the city scared. Yes, I love doing things alone, but the safety factor is different. I can wander around here by myself all the time, but seeing some little girl wandering around looking lost in a big city? Target. I will not end up on Dateline. So that makes me feel better to have two guys to go places with me and check in on me!