So I’m wondering…

Since I’ve decided to swear off relationships all together (as evidenced by my 10 months of being single & in light of recent life-changing events), I’m wondering what’s wrong with me. No, not like that in a low self-esteem way…

 

I’ve decided that being with someone just isn’t my thing, even though I am a very caring, loving person who enjoys being in relationships. I’ve never been one to embrace being single/”free.” I’ve always felt that I’m “at my best” in relationships. But am I really? I’ve never stopped to really think about that until recently. Because in reality, I’ve been doing quite well sans boyfriend. Focusing on my career/education/workouts/goals. And doing it all without the emotional expense that a relationship drops on you.

 

Yeah, when I’m in a good relationship, I walk around all smiles and people notice it – a change in my walk, that glow about me…”ooh, Lauren’s in love!” Then again, if the asshole did something/we got in a fight, people notice that my whole mood is dragged down and sometimes that interferes with stuff like job/school performance or catching an attitude with someone else. So I gotta say that the peace and calm from the absence of such drama kinda outweighs the “feeling lonely” aspect that pops up like once a month…

 

My question of the day is this though: I’ve chosen not to be in a relationship because I don’t want to deal with someone else’s crap, basically. BUT…don’t they have to take on mine in some respect?! I’m not perfect…close…but not quite haha I think my problem is that it’s always been me taking all of the crap and putting in all/most of the effort…and it wasn’t just in my head – both my friends/family and his friends/family said the same thing. So it’s not a biased opinion. If your own mother agrees with me that you’re being a jerk…or your best friend…clearly I’m not in the wrong here.

 

But maybe I can’t look at it as “90% of this relationship is me tolerating your crap, and the other 10% of the time it’s you dealing with me.” Maybe I also need to adjust my thinking in terms of things I do/don’t do. I always focus on the fact that I don’t do typical big no-no things like nagging and that I’m good at picking my battles; but maybe there are some things that I do do lol And that if someone is able to take my little issues here and there, then surely I should be willing to take on theirs, right? Because I could just be a stronger person – like I’m able to handle the crap they throw at me, but if I threw the same to them, they wouldn’t be able to handle it. It really comes down to a relativity thing: if he forgets my birthday, I’m not gonna spaz – guys are dumb and that shit happens. Some guys I’ve dated (yes, really), if I had ever forgotten their bday, the world would’ve fallen apart. Yeah, you could say this is where really getting to know someone comes in – because if you take the time to discuss things and see how they react to certain things, you can feel out if you guys are on the same page, and if you are, there shouldn’t be any issues – everyone should be in agreement as to what things are going to drive a wedge between you. But we all know that’s not always the case…

 

I dunno – all in all, I think the bottom line is that a) I don’t need to be in a relationship because to me, having to deal with someone’s crap when you put in so much effort, is downplaying/ignoring your self worth and settling – they’re basically wasting and taking advantage of your kindness; b) even if you actually find someone that’s worth taking on some things, they -gasp- actually respect and appreciate you, you treat each other well, and you give 101%, there is NO guarantee that they won’t cheat on you/fuck you over. Not only that, but there is an extremely high chance that they will screw you over. Giving someone your all doesn’t mean you’ll get it in return. Or even if the first few months or years are great, you never know if that person will change.

 

Yes, it’s a gamble you have to be willing to take, but I’m a Finance girl: look at the market return – 50% plus divorce rate?! Most unmarried people I see break up/cheating on each other too?! & Besides observing all of that, my own damn experiences of being cheated on after giving my all? NO THANKS. Those aren’t good odds and not worth my investment (and a fine one it is too LOL jk I meant my heart/time…) I know you have to be willing to take the bad to get to enjoy all of the good stuff, but too often it starts out like that…and you think everything is great…then boom, the bad starts to outweigh the good. So you gotta break up. But if you’re married instead, that means divorce. And marriage is a one-shot deal to me…

 

So um…given that…I think I’m good being on my own. The reality is setting in that that means not having kids, which is kinda hard to accept (and no, I’m not willing to just do it on my own), but I guess I’ll survive. And if you’re about to say some shit like “aww, you just haven’t met Mr. Right yet/he’ll come along/just be patient” bullshit – shut up. Please. I’m over it. I’m not a pessimist, just a realist. I’m honest with myself unlike most people. I can still walk through life with an upbeat attitude while holding onto reality – accepting the harsh reality that is the world doesn’t mean walking around with a dark cloud over your head and frowning all the time lol So I’ll just walk around cheesing real hard like I already do 24/7, but with a heavy heart.

That’s the only thing – being optimistic/overly cheery despite having the truth shown to you, actually sets you up for disaster. Like the girl who sees all of her friends getting divorced or she’s had 80 failed attempts at dating. Instead of recognizing that she’s at a point of realization/it’s time to get real, she prances around all happy ignoring the truth thinking that she’ll get married – the next guy will be the one for sure. Yeah, she still could possibly, anything is possible, but it’s going to hurt a hell of a lot more when it doesn’t happen because she didn’t prepare for that outcome. Now she’s on the sofa inhaling ice cream…

It’s kinda like putting your heart on a pedestal – if your standards & expectations are a little lower, the impending fall won’t hurt as much. If you’re the 2% that’s lucky enough to not fall off the pedestal – congrats. Not only did you not hit the ground and get hurt, but you’re literally higher than everyone else – which is exactly what being in love with the right person feels like. I’ve felt that – like no one or no thing can touch you and all is well with the world. Good for you.

 

But not only am I “lowering” my pedestal, I’m coming down off of it all together – just going to sit here off to the side safe and in tact while I laugh at all of the fools falling and breaking limbs. But then there’s the people way up top throwing rocks down at me and taunting me lol Whatev.

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4 thoughts on “So I’m wondering…

  1. Girl everyday I decide to swear off relationships and then poof hey there cute guy..and I’m right back on the train but then they are stupid and i swear them off again. It’s a love hate relationship. I have not been lucky in love. I’ve always made really bad choices too. But you seem like such a smart amazing person ..you are thinking and reflecting and that shows how wonderful you are . Everyone had always told me that the minute you stop looking for love is the minute you find it so I’m gonna try that.

    • lol thank you! But it’s funny because I’ve literally never been looking – stuff just fell into my lap and after some persistent guys…I gave in against my better judgement. So that’s why I’m ignoring it from now on – I don’t want to be proven right yet again and based on what I see, no one will come along to prove me wrong lol

      Hope things work out for you though!

  2. Hey Lauren, I really enjoy reading your posts because it’s like being in a time capsule. I’ve been there. Male/Female interactions are the stuff that makes dissertations interesting. As a professional woman in your 20’s, you’ll likely come across a variety of men that have varied levels of interest. Just keep your wits about you. I won’t say you just haven’t met Mr. Right, but I will say that you’ll know when you meet him. You said you dated persistent guys even though it went against your better judgement. I’d like to suggest that when your better judgement suggests “hey, this one’s worth a try” don’t be too stubborn to listen.

  3. Pingback: I set myself up for this. « Lauren Out Loud

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