yep…

Things I never get tired of:

  • watching the Golden Girls (over. and over.)
  • thinking about him and smiling…

 

but not so much anymore. and that makes me kinda sad. not upset, just really sad. I hate that the more time that passes, the less reason I have to think everything is ok. That sucks. A lot. Because it’s subtracting from the (very) short list of the things that keep me going through my days. (not that my happiness depends on him lol)

 

Speaking of which, I’m still avoiding everyone (I mean everyone) like the plague. Just so I don’t have to confront certain feelings/fake happiness. I have to do enough of that at work. And I did a whole lot of that today – I was at my desk typing away, when I got choked up & it hit me – “I don’t deserve this. I need better. I’m settling. I’ve worked hard to be paid more.” Nothing new, but it hit me hard today for some reason. & please, save the “at least it’s a job/that’s part of being an adult” stuff – true, but I’m not for it today.

 

The funny thing is that as “anti” as I have been the past few weeks, there is only one person I’ve been talking to/seeing besides my parents. Why? Because it’s always easy – just fun, no bullshit. No drama. (But you kinda ruined that last week…) So the fact that you’re the person I can always rely on, even when I’m hiding out from the rest of the world…says a lot. Because you know I don’t like most people lol So thanks…

 

And the other one…if I never see/speak to you again…I dunno…just lots of shrugging at this point. Not in a idc way, but just…o;efnwoengfl;knes.

 

Side note – I’ve been studying about 5-6 hours a day in addition to burning brain cells at work, and buying the case of Red Bull was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Yes, this is in addition to my coffee addiction at work; yes, this schedule could be to blame for me being cranky/this entire post.

 

 

Off to the gym to get some endorphins and take a study break. FML.

 

P.S. I should be glad that tomorrow is Friday…but the weekends now just mean more studying…not boozing. or fun.

& I still miss him…kinda…I said it.

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